Sunday, 15 March 2015

Seven months after losing Elspeth

This is a late post, but I am obviously aware it is Mother's Day, and I didn't want my update post to be a dampener for anyone. All the Mums out there deserve as lovely a day as I've had. I had a lie in, cards, croissant and Danish pastry in bed, and I came downstairs to a beautiful vase of flowers and a pile of presents big enough to match my last birthday. I didn't even have to cook all day. I love our kids...they're ace.


There have been a few tears today, just a few. It is 7 months since we lost Elspeth, and it's beginning to feel like it might be a long while now. That's double-edged because you don't want it to be a long time and you don't want to forget anything, but at the same time you want to run away as far as possible, and time is one way to achieve distance. Time is however making more sense now. We're starting to be able to plan things in the future and life isn't jumping up and surprising us so much. Less time is spent aimlessly most days. Life is more organised.


It is more organised, but partly because I think we're becoming used to the fact you just can't get tasks done like before. You have to build in time for 'doing nothing and becoming side-tracked. Obviously you may look like you're doing nothing, but your brain is racing through a million questions and trying to make sense of something else you thought of or remembered.

There are still dark days and times where it seems it'll never be better, but now I'm as likely to burst into tears because I hear a child laughing, as I am for any sad thoughts. I caught myself grinning at my little children playing at a birthday party last week, and then I realised it had been such a long time since we had all laughed like that and I cried. I cried with relief because we were all laughing, and I cried with utter sadness that it has been such a long time, and that just isn't fair.

I guess now from the outside it's been ages since Elspeth went, and we should be well into rebuilding, but actually we've been in a kind of limbo in a lot of ways. Meetings and appointments have only just begun to ease off. There's no longer something in the diary every week, we no longer have a Social Worker and we have finished having family bereavement counselling. We have the twice-delayed inquest finally just in front of us, so I'll be taking a couple of weeks away from the blog around that date, and all you'll see will be posts I'm frantically preparing and scheduling while I still have the energy.

Oh yeah, I nearly forgot, we're going to get married. We talked about it in 2007, got engaged in Summer 2012, and life has thrown a hell of a lot at us since then, but we've been delayed long enough now.

Here are the gorgeous smiles I've collected this month, including Michael Rosen's because it is so true, and some tigers for Red Nose Day...




18 comments:

  1. You are all doing an amazing job lovely. Take one day at a time. I wish I could say or do more to help with the pain. Congratulations on your up and coming wedding, that's lovely news. Big hugs & here if I can ever help. Xx

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    1. You are so lovely and say the sweetest things, it's always nice to get a message from you. Thank you xx

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  2. I'm really pleased to read you're going to get married. I remember chatting about your wedding when we were at Eileen's all that time ago. Every day is a step closer to managing to laugh and smile at the memories.

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    1. I know, it's insane just what's happened since then. Life really has been 'on hold' far too long now xx

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  3. So wonderful to read such a positive & hopeful post Jenny :) I'm so happy to know you're finding yourself laughing & settling into more of a new normal x x

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    1. Thanks Colette. It's actually really refreshing to read back and see that we have come so far xx

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  4. Wonderful to know that things coming to a closure. And opening a fresh new page of wedding plan. You know that there are lot of people wanting to be your bridesmaid! ;)

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    1. Eileen, you can be my Bridesmaid any time :)

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  5. beautiful smiles jen, lovely to see your updates getting a little more positive month by month xxx

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    1. Thanks Anna. It is, I can see that when I read back, it is getting more positive xx

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  6. Hey Jenny, it's Israh (again). I just want to thank you for continuing to write on this blog about everything. It's so nice to read about how you are all doing (in the least prying way possible). Happy Belated Mother's Day, as even though you're not my Mother, you are a Mother - an awesome one - and you deserve a great (belated) day. You deserve a great day, every day. Time is weird and ugly and never on anyone's side and I am really glad you all don't feel the need to adjust to it. I don't really know what to say but keep doing what you're all doing (or don't if you don't feel like it) as everything you do is so honourable. I hope the smiles become more frequent, and limbo more comforting. Best of luck for the delayed inquest; I hope some consolidation can be found. Also congratulations on deciding to get married - I am really happy for you!! Thinking of you all, always xx

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    1. Thank you so much Israh, and I'm sorry I took such a long time to reply. I just didn't feel able to before. It is always lovely to hear from you, from any of you. You say such lovely things too, and I wish I had still the confidence to believe them. I hope it's giong well for you still at College, you deserve it, you really do xx

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  7. It's lovely to see the smiles becoming a little more frequent. Losing a loved one is so painful (I lost my sister almost 20 years ago) and finding your new normal is such a long drawn out process riddled with unexpected ups and crushing downs. Congratulations on getting married. Sending love xxx

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    1. Thank you and I'm sorry that you lost your sister, that can't have been easy for you or your family xx
      It is a slow process, and there's no rushing it, you really have to take what appears. Thank you for your comments and wishes xx

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  8. Those boys never fail to make me smile chick - love their faces for Red Nose Day - am so glad you were spoilt rotten on Mother's Day! Little steps and you will find your way. We are always here for you xx

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    1. You are, you're a complete star. Thank you for everything, all of it :) xx

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  9. What a lovely collection of smiles you have there Jenny. xx

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    1. I do, don't I. They really did let me take some lovely photo's of them all looking terribly handsome and gorgeous.... even if I do say so myself ;) xx

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