How to Survive a Horror Film

My little boys watching the terrifying horror  'Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked'

We all love a bit of 'mild peril' and last night was movie night - snacks, little kids off to bed and then three of the teenagers, my partner and I watched a horror movie....

We spent most of the time shouting and tutting at the stupidity of the characters on screen. It got us talking about what you clearly should NOT do if you want to live long enough for the sequel.

In the film Scream the smarty pants bloke (who very deservedly doesn't make it to the sequel) announces the rules of surviving the movie ~

• 1. You will not survive if you have sex
• 2. You will not survive if you drink or do drugs
• 3. You will not survive if you say "I'll be right back"
• 4. Everyone is a suspect

The killer adds two extra rules ~

• 5. You will not survive if you ask "Who's there?"
• 6. You will not survive if you go out to investigate a strange noise.

While they do seem to be totally true, we think we've come up with some more ~

• 1. Don't wear a matching bra and knickers - if you do, make absolutely certain you don't take your clothes off. In fact, just don't take your clothes off, especially if you are a nubile young bird, but granny pants and a greying old bra might just save you.
• 2. Shut the ruddy door! And the blinking curtains! Murderers rarely simply appear, usually they have to slide past the window or walk in the house behind you while you step much too far out onto the porch just to see where they are. Just put Eastenders on and kick back.

Don't worry Ma'am, I'm a policeman. You'll be safe now.

• 3. If you have a copper sat outside your house 'protecting you', bring him in. If you leave him out there he'll just end up a bloody mess, shout him in and he can watch Britain's Got Talent in the warm.
• 4. Don't drive at 40mph through the woods. No-one can run that fast! Even if Usain Bolt is after you, he can only manage 27mph for 10 seconds, after that you can happily slow down to about 16mph and Roger Bannister can only just keep up. Setting off in 2nd at top belt will just wrap you around a tree, and then you'll have to limp back to the building you just came from with one shoe and a ripped jumper - which could put you in danger of breaking rule no.1. 

• 5. Split up.....erm...no, how about don't. Stay together. Why on Earth would you spend all day  with your mates laughing and drinking beer from plastic cups, and then when the crazed killer arrives all run away in different directions, or suddenly decide you have to go somewhere alone. Even if I needed a huge poo I'd take someone with me, in fact everyone, I'd take everyone with me. They can stare at the wall and whistle.
• 6. Remember you have an opposable thumb. When you pick up your chosen weapon from the huge knife rack in the incredibly tidy kitchen, or steal it from the guy in the mask, don't leave it on the side the first chance you get. Just hold on to it. It's not hard, even babies can grasp, and point it the right way. The bad guy is unlikely to spawn from your belly unless you're in space or an antarctic research station, so point it away from you. And don't assume you can use a gun just cos you've watched a heap of Angelina Jolie movies, if you start shooting you'll miss anything you try to hit. Either aim directly at your best mate or put down the gun and pick up a pencil, it'll give you a better chance, especially against vampires.
 




No-one panic. I've got a gun!



• 7. If you hit them then you have to make it count. Batting at them with a wet hand is the equivalent of flapping at a wasps nest. You know that they'll fall down, the intended victim will do a bit of heavy breathing and then sigh a bit, get up and slowly walk off with their back to the baddie. 3 seconds later and Mr Angry with the grazed knee will no longer be lying on the floor, he'll either have jumped up and  leapt at our hero from behind, or completely disappeared. If it's the former then game over, the latter means you have to do a sequel....
  
  
  What would you add?