Tuesday 15 September 2015

13 Months

In most parts of the world suicide is still a crime. It's not important to me on what grounds unaffected people around the world decide suicide is a crime, but I do think personally it counts as theft. It takes so much more than your friend, relation or acquaintance. So much more than they could ever see. It takes your stability, your comfort, your confidence, your time, your sanity. It takes your innocence. It takes away your trust and belief in everything. Things that don't happen do happen, nothing is unexpected. We live in a world where children really die. We live in a world where there is no clarity and everything is confusing and stressful. You wonder if anything will ever be normal again. You look at other people having fun and you remember when you were like them. You smile and you think back to when you were allowed a little naivety.

It's been 13 months since we lost our oldest girl and I had intended to stop my monthly updates and just post about the smiles, but this last month has been one which really does show how fragile we still are individually and as a family unit.

It became apparent to us a few weeks ago that one of our children was not coping as well as we'd thought, and in fact they were struggling. Realising unfortunately didn't make the situation any better, and in spite of a concerted effort from everyone it is continuing to get worse. It's put massive pressure on myself and my partner and is affecting the other children. It all adds to the feelings of failure. 'We should have realised earlier that they weren't coping, we should have spotted something'. You feel again you have again let the children down, put them in a position they should never have been in, subjected them to things they shouldn't ever have known, and now they all have more to cope with.

2 weeks ago I had been expected to say 'goodbye' to my lovely counsellor, but instead I was given fortnightly appointments, which I have to admit I do clearly need. 2 months ago I felt we were really getting there, we had a holiday booked and everyone seemed okay. It seemed like a new chapter. Now it seems like we opened a whole new book.

I miss 'me'. I miss being the person I used to be. Sometimes there are a few hours or minutes and I can leave all of my worries behind and just be, but for most of every day 'me' is buried under a pile of crap.

The darker nights are bringing back the worry about night time for our youngest (who has refused to be in any room, including the bathroom, on his own for the past 13 months) so the fairy lights are back along the top of the shelves in the lads bedroom - and very beautiful they are. They let me see their little cherub faces while they're sleeping too, one of any parent's most treasured sights.

We had exam results this month and I am so incredibly proud of all of our young people for how well they coped last year at school and college. In a year where I could barely focus on one thing for more than 10 minutes at a time, our 15 year old got excellent mock exam results with a bunch of A's, our 17 year old passed his year 1 Engineering exams and AS levels with A's and B's, and our 16 year old got an outstanding 5 A*'s and 6 A's in their GCSE's. We've always said we'll still love you whatever the outcome, but to see them get such a great result for all of their hard work and revision is a great thing,and it means that our 16 year old had free choice to do whatever they pleased at college. Well done guys.

Here are this month's smiles (and there are still plenty) courtesy of, among other things, the Just So Festival, snowman building to promote Disney On Ice and Star Wars LEGO....

In the end, everything will be okay. 
If it's not okay, it's not yet the end. ~ Fernando Sabino


  1. the moment you become a parent, you seen that you would never sleep again. Children make you worry, no matter how old they are.
    Hope that you will see the sunshine soon and big hugs.

    1. Very true Eileen, very true. There should be a warning really - sleepless nights do not stop when they start sleeping 8 hours xxx

  2. Sadly we never know exactly what's going on in our children's minds. That doesn't make you a bad Mum, you are certainly not that. You've all been through so much and I wonder whether it was more a case of trying to protect you from more pain maybe. I've seen this effect people in so many different ways over the years, you are doing your best Jenny and although there are big downs there are some lovely smiles along the way. It's still such early days in reality. Those results are just amazing, they've done brilliantly.

    I don't think you ever really sleep properly from the moment you become a Mum, even if you have a 12 hour sleeper like Monkey.

    I truly hope that in this year ahead you do get your 'me' time xx

  3. This time last year everything was so raw to the kids, to you too. And the youngest was so young. The dark nights must bring it all back and so I'm sure it's normal for him to have a bit of a step back but I hope by this time next year the darkness doesn't bother him as much and that you're all in a better place although I have no idea how you get there - I have no idea how you even get up in the morning. Love x

  4. I am sorry to hear this month has been tougher than expected; honestly however hard it is for you or the children - it has no bearing on your as a parent. We can never get it right all of the time, but you have so many extenuating circumstances that you have no control over. I have no doubt in my mind you are doing everything you can.

    Well done to them all for their results and it is lovely to see some smiles!

    Sending much love, thinking of you xxx

  5. I am sorry to hear hon this has been such a tough month, you are an amazing mother and have such wonderful children. It's bound to be hard and you are amazing. Great results and such beautiful smiles. Always thinking of you and here for you x


Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. I read every one and try my best to reply!