F-It's hard I guess, you want to do fun stuff but it can be hard?
Me-When I read my own typing it seems impossible. You can't imagine being happy. You don't want to be
Me-You feel guilty at the idea. And then you remember why you weren't happy. So you aren't happy. Everything normal feels different. Boiling the kettle is different
Me-Sitting here typing is different. I'm different
F-You have to find a new normal. Everything has changed
Me-But you don't want to. It feels like you are betraying her
Me-Thinking of switching on my laptop feels like I don't care. It's hard. It's really hard
F-Don't do it if you don't feel ready but, equally it may help. Remember that she loved the blog, and all the things she enjoyed through it too, she would want you to find a way to carry on I think
And I typed those words, and I listened to myself, and I re-read them, and I heard my partner yesterday telling me to get back to the blog, and I thought of the reviews I have here, half-written and sitting there, and the things they're written about - the sandpit my 4 year old can't wait to go in after school, however cold it is out there now. The lovely time we had with the little ones at Chill Factore, and the gorgeous books we've been reading.
It's very hard after what's happened to have any confidence in anything I do. I have hardly cooked, I feel everything will be tasteless and insipid. I have no confidence over anything I do with our children, I worry I did things wrong and I worry we don't really know them at all. It's very hard being that person, and I imagine very hard being a friend to that person, because you can't really do anything to make it better.
Nothing is easy now. Nothing is the same. I will never be the same. But Elspeth liked my blog, she read it, she was impressed with my achievements. Life may not be the same, and actually, we don't want it to be, but I'd be doing my whole family a disservice if I didn't switch on my laptop and pull myself up by the Bootstraps.
|A whole wall of sunflowers made by the Foundation children at our school.|