Saturday 20 September 2014

Loss

I'm not meant to be at home right now. I should be in London. I should be at the MAD blog Awards, hobnobbing with the celebs and star bloggers, eating a very fancy meal in a 5 star hotel. Right about now I should be having my hair and make up done, before putting on a totally posh frock and going out there a Princess. I should be sat beside my friend Jen while she waits to see if she has won an award for My Mummy's Pennies. I should be having a night off, a night out, a stay in a hotel and some amazing company. A fun time. I chose not to go, I am not in the mood for trying to have fun. I hope that everyone has an awesome epic time and whoever got my ticket uses it well.


This morning, after a very unsettled night's sleep and with a nasty cold, my 4 year old told me he was sad today because Elspeth has died. He wanted to take his 'sad book' Always And Forever into school with him. I wrote all of this in his new 'home/school' book, a book we've set up where we all record specific or challenging behaviour, and school let me know what 'news' he has shared with his peers today. On Tuesday at circle time he told his group everything. That was his news.


Our 5 year old has accepted that people who say they're sorry aren't being rude and trying to make us sad, they're being nice. One of his friends had a Peacock feather amongst their treasure, and my son explained to his class that we'd found a Peacock feather in the park the day his sister died. We already bought him a memory box, and he has put in the Peacock feather and a sunflower and has space for much more.

My partner has distracted himself with the Scottish referendum. The votes are cast, it's over, so today he has lost his distraction. He's lost the thing that was allowing him to think of something else, and that's a long way to fall for him right now.

I'm doing the school run with a friend who lives on my street. We walk together and she waits for me while I drop off my children because I'm just not ready to face the playground by myself.

Death is about loss. Loss of hope, loss of joy, loss of innocence, loss of security, loss of distraction. Loss of confidence. Loss of the person and everything they are is only the beginning.

Small Steps

1. The 2 youngest boys have started to mention their sister casually in passing.
2. The 2 youngest boys have shared their sad news with their schoolfriends and it went okay.
3. Time is beginning to make more sense and have more structure. We're eating meals and getting the boys into bed at a sensible hour.
4. We're sleeping without the TV on, and checking on the children less during the night.
5. Really bad days are far fewer. Times like this morning are fewer.
6. We had a huge meeting with 2 School Heads and 5 Health Professionals. They repeatedly tell us we're doing nothing wrong, and we've done nothing wrong. They all agree that any behaviour our children are exhibiting is entirely to be expected.
7. The lovely Sim took me to the supermarket. Nothing went wrong and I didn't cry.
8. My 4 year old went to the toilet by himself - just once, but it's a start.

26 comments:

  1. Awww Jenny. Having never been in your position before, I don't know what I can say to help or offer comfort but I guess all you can do is take each day as it comes. Still thinking of you all x

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  2. Massive hugs to you! Thinking of you all xxx

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  3. Having never been through this situation I don't know the best thing to say, apart from I'm thinking of you and the family and sending you all my love xx

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  4. Oh Jenny, I'm so so sorry. I wish I could do something to help. xx

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  5. still thinking of you all every day, im sure it doesnt feel like it but you are doing brilliantly. really glad to hear of all the small steps but wish none of you had to be going through this. sending hugs xxx

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  6. I was so super proud of you the other day and I love the fact you have joined the Aldi revolution! Little steps will pave the way chick. Big hugs to you all and hope the boys enjoy their chicken!xx

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  7. Small steps, Jenny, the only way forward my love. Thinking of you all xx

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  8. I imagine that you will get tired of people telling you that it will take time... All the time in the world won't change things but you take your time, and the small steps are a great place to start. Sending hugs x

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  9. Sounds like the children are doing well. I know when my dad died my mum said I would just leavd the room when his name was mentioned, and wouldnt talk about him til about age 12. So they're doing so well to be talking about Elspeth and going through the grieving process.
    Good that you've friends to support you on school drop offs etc. Must be so hard.

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  10. Little steps are steps and each one is important. Well done on each one you all take, don't be surprised or upset if sometimes you stumble, but remember that stumbling is still going forwards!

    Thinking of you always x

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  11. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and it sounds like the small steps are working best. Hugs.

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  12. Jenny you were in my thoughts last night and I felt your support beside me, as we danced ( yes we did it!) you were there with me )but more coordinated than me!)

    When you are ready, whenever that is we will all go out and have some fun.

    Small steps are actually huge leaps in times of grief and the boys are doing so well.

    Here for you and if there are any steps no matter small that I can help with you only need to ask. Love you xx

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  13. Small steps are the way forward. Big hugs xxxxx

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  14. Oh Jenny. Sending love. Small steps are huge right now. It sounds like everything is going as well as can be expected. I'm so sorry xx

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  15. sending so much love to your family, Elspeth was a wonderful person and friend. thinking of you all xx

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    1. Thank you Alex. You have no idea how much your comment means to us. I hope College is going well for you xxx

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  16. You were missed last night Jenny I can promise you that.
    I think it's so important to record these positives so you can look back and see just how far you've all come.
    I've said it before but I shall keep saying it - you are immense & I am in awe of you x

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  17. Small steps, and more of those each day x

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  18. Just hope time can help heal you all - obviously it is something you will never ever get over and it's very early days so must be still so raw. Just support each other as much as you can and be kind to yourselves - I'm trying to write words of comfort but in reality I have no idea what you all are going through - just take it easy & accept all the support you are offered. Thinking of you xxxx

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  19. Saw a beautiful (and unusual) array of sunflowers today in a garden and thought of you all. Jo x

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  20. Jenny my heart goes out to you and your family. Sending you all a big hug, you are doing so well. Just be kind to yourself too x x

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  21. There is no right or wrong way to deal with what you're going through, but reading this it sounds as though you're doing fine. Big hugs xx

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  22. Aww honey. I wish I lived closer, so so much. Hugs xx

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  23. It sounds as if you are all doing a really good job of coping in your own ways. Sending love as always x

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