Tuesday 13 January 2015

Why Children Should Go To Funerals....

As soon as funerals are mentioned, one of the very first questions I've always been asked is "what are you going to do with the children?". It seems almost everyone's first default thought is that they shouldn't go, but why not?

I read a blog post written by a Pastor's daughter the other day entitled "Why you should've Taken Your Kids To That Funeral", and it stirred a lot of emotions in me because I have never had any issue with my children going to funerals, but people I know do. 

When our youngest boys were only a few months and 2 years old their Great-Grandmother died. The service was up in Scotland, we couldn't leave the little boys at home, and there was no-one in Scotland to watch them, so they came. I was ready to leave with them at any point, but it wasn't necessary, and I felt that whatever noise they'd have made, it wouldn't have mattered. The small congregation had nothing but smiles for the children, and thanks to us for travelling that distance with them.

My brother died a year later. At 2 and 3 they were still too young for school, the service was back in my home town which I had left several years before, and every relative I had would be there. It didn't really leave me any other option than to take them, and as my brother loved children, I didn't think he'd mind. Some of my relatives did mind, and that was a great shame. The boys were very well behaved, quiet and reverent throughout. It felt very right to have as many of the children with me as was possible. It felt right to have them there to hug and hold, and they didn't become overwhelmed or upset. They were calm.


When Elspeth died last August our children all understood what a funeral was, how it worked and what should happen. We let the children make a lot of the decisions about the service, including choosing the music, dress code and order of service. We chose an amazing Humanist Celebrant and she was delighted the children were so included. On her suggestion our 6 year old pressed the button to close the curtain around his sister. 

There weren't only our children there, her friends were there, schoolchildren and young people filled the room. They all had a chance to lay flowers on her coffin and share their words with the congregation.

Everyone got a chance to mourn together, to celebrate her life, to laugh and cry, and to say goodbye properly. Everyone got a degree of closure. Everyone got a chance to support each other.

By preventing your children from attending funerals you prevent them being there for you. If your child was hurt, you would want to comfort them, and they feel the same way. Crying in front of your child not only shows them it's okay to express emotion, it teaches them how they can help, it gives them a purpose and it makes both of you feel better. It shows them it's okay to feel the loss of that person, they can cry too. It makes everything real.

I think somewhere along the line we did something right, because all 6 of our children coped so incredibly well with their sister's funeral. They were all there for each other, they all took an active part and they all put something of themselves into the service. I think in honesty they coped far better than we did, and without their help we'd have found it all a lot more stressful. I'm very grateful to them.

I gave birth to my youngest child in our living room, while 3 of his brothers sat in the kitchen eating noodle sandwiches. I taught my children about birth and what would happen, I prepared them in case it was very quick and they had to take some responsibility. Nothing that happened that day phased them at all, and they all bonded with their brother immediately, with my 18 month old shouting "my baby" at the Midwife.

Birth and death are what happens. There's other stuff too, but they're the basics and they're going to crop up fairly regularly. You can shield your children from them, but not forever, and being the one who doesn't know the secret is hard enough any time, even harder when you know something is wrong. You might buy your child a pet, and teach them about death that way, but it won't be the same. You can hide your own emotions, but what good does that do when what you really need is for your family to give you a hug? Children have a right to be included IF THEY WISH. If they were part of their life, then in my opinion they should be allowed to mourn and to say goodbye with everyone else.

I once said I hoped there were lots of children at my funeral, lots of smiling and colour, and the person I was talking to told me that was an awful idea. I disagree, I still hope it's the case.


21 comments:

  1. I agree with you, it helped Miss A a lot when my Dad passed away when she was five. Without going to the funeral, I don't think she would have understood where her Pops had gone, and she would've been a lot more confused about it all. I think it's a generation thing though, my Mum would probably frown on children going to a funeral as it wasn't done when she was growing up.

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  2. I agree that they should be allowed to go. I've lost all 4 of my grandparents within a 4 year period but there was no one that could have looked after my children and I didn't want to exclude them either so Miss M has been to 4 funerals so far and Mister B 2. They have been sad occasions and even Miss M shed a tear with me, but it's given me an excuse to talk about death and losing people you love with them which is not something I'd spoke about to them before.

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  3. They totally should go as they need to learn the circle of life. Great post.

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  4. I agree as I was brought up in a family where children didn't go to funerals. I wasn't even told my granddad had died and never got to say goodbye aged 12. My first funeral was when I was 20 and my beloved Nan. I had no idea what to expect and it was frightening on top of being sad. You should be so proud of all your family as they all sound amazing, and you are great too!

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  5. I am totally with you. My brother and I were forbidden from going to my Papa's funeral at the ages of 13 and 11 by my Granny. It wasn't my Mum's wish at all and it was just plain wrong. I never felt I got the chance to say goodbye to him until I went to my Granny's funeral at the same place over 20 years later.
    Monkey has been to more funerals in the first 5 years of his life than I went to in the first 20 of mine. Like you, I had no one else who could look after him when he was really young, and for a last couple I felt he should be there, he was family. In all instances he and other children were welcomed and people felt that having their presence helped everyone get through difficult days.
    As Monkey grows up he will always be given the choice, he has as much right as anyone to say goodbye to people we love and care about. To not have that opportunity is wrong, plain wrong.

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  6. I think, as long as you know your children can behave and be respectful, it is good for them to learn about death as well as the nice things in life! Our son went to his Great Grandad's funeral last year which prompted lots of questions about life and death but I think ultimately he learnt a lot and hopefully, he has a good understanding about life and death now.

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  7. I never got the chance to go to my Gran's funeral which I wish I had been able to go to. I was 14 at the time. I wouldn't have an issue with taking my children to a funeral.

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  8. This is a lovely post. I was never taken to funerals as a child and went to my first funeral two years ago when my step mum died and then last year when my Grandad died. LP was only a year old when my step mum died and I left her with her Nanny as I knew I would cope better and she was too young to understand. When my Grandad died LP didn't have a clue who he was and I went with my older brother. As the children get older there will be more funerals and I will give them the choice of going - if they knew and cared about the person they should be there.
    I had both babies at home and although we had planned for LP to go to her grandparents when Little Man arrived, he decided to come 16 days early when they were abroad so LP was sat on the midwife's lap watching TV when her brother was born and I have always thought how things have a way of working out for the best - it was completely right that she was there to share that moment with us x

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  9. What an amazing post and one I truly agree with. Funerals are part of life and death as you say and I have always brought my boys to them. I remember going to my next door neighbours funeral when I was 5 (she was one of a set of older sisters) and I spent the whole of the funeral of her remaining sisters knee and by her side. I didn't find it odd or uncomfortable. Neither did anyone else.

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  10. This post holds such a place in my wellbeing, I find it so hard to know without being there, at this moment I agree with everything you have written, and know that each consideration has been made with your children in mind, I hope I can hold the same integrity and care as you have been able to hold true.

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  11. This is so important. Like you, our children attended their sister's funeral as did all her school friends. Like you say, this is life, it's not cheerful no, but then that's life. I understand that people want to protect their children from sadness but it doesn't have to be a negative experience.

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  12. I'm in two minds about this. Neither of my children have been to a funeral yet as, thankfully, they haven't lost someone close to them. When my Nana died a couple of years ago I left Bud with in laws as he had only met her once as she'd been in poor health for such a long time. LM was a tiny baby so I went for her after the service and took her to the wake as I knew she would need feeding. I've never hidden death from my children and have always shared it with them, I think Bud has a reasonable understanding now and probably more so than many of his school friends because we are always so open with him and try to answer any questions he may have.

    I do think it's important for children to attend the funerals of close relatives, my much loved uncle died when I was 11 and I wasn't allowed to attend and it still makes me sad but I do think that there is a massive difference between an 11 year old and a toddler. I think that, if a child is able to understand what has happened and has had a relationship with the person to grieve then take them but, in the case of very young children, I wouldn't want to have taken mine as I would have felt that their being there would have been a distraction from the process for me and others at it. I hope I've explained myself properly!

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    1. I think you explained yourself well! I agree, age is a very important thing to consider as well as whether they knew the deceased very well x

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    2. You do explain yourself well, and I think it should always be the child's decision. Ultimately if they didn't know the person well or care for them, they probably would rather spend the time doing something - hopefully! :)

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  13. Speaking as an adult, you certainly learn all about life and death as an adult, and I'd certainly say that there's no use in hiding your kids from it.

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  14. As you know I lost mum at 13, I think that if I hadn't been to a funeral before, it would have been worse than it was. So yes your right it is a sad but necessary part of life.

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  15. Such a heartfelt post. I remember when my dad died and I was eight years old. I was not allowed to go to the funeral and neither where my cousins of the same age. So we all stayed together with our uncle, who didn't like attending funerals. I always felt that I'd missed my last chance to say goodbye to my daddy.

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  16. My husband has lost both of his grandparents since we had children. For his Nana's funeral Rowan was just a baby and Louis was 3. I left them with the childminder for the church service but took them to the wake. I told Louis that a funeral was about remembering someone and getting together to talk about all the happy times we had with them. I admit I glossed over the crematorium thing, just saying that they 'shrunk' nana so she would fit in her space in the garden. When grandad died, we gave them the choice over whether or not they wanted to come to the funeral. It hit my husband hard and I knew they'd be upset about seeing daddy cry, but felt it was fair to give them the choice. They declined, and Louis asked instead if they could just come to the 'party'. So that's what we did. At the wake, they provided a welcome reason to smile. Had they been older they would've come either us to both funerals, but as it was I think what we did was best for them.

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    1. I'm with you, and I think you did do your best - you let them choose, and if they'd wanted to go, they could have done xxx

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  17. All my grandparents died before my children were born, in fact I was expecting Ben when both Grandma's died. So until recently this has been been an issue for us, there have been no funerals to attend. In the Autumn my husband's grandfather died and we took our youngest to the funeral as she was too little to leave with anyone else. I was worried about her during the service but actually everyone was just pleased to be able to see her even if she was a bit squeaky! The older two didn't come - it was a 5 hours round trip on a school day, in fact the second day of the new school year. We decided it just wasn't appropriate for them to attend - especially as they barely knew him so the experience held little significance to them.

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  18. We took our girls to my Nan's remembrance and internment in the summer. Nan had dementia for several years and my youngest didn't really have a relationship with her. She died in the January and due to close family having surgery, severe illness etc, only my mum, dad and uncle went to the crematorium. The internment of her ashes was the "real" funeral and all children, grandchildren and greatgrandchildren laid roses on the grave. My two year old niece was there and other family children. We all met up for the wake and we received only positive comments. We took quiet toys, books and lots of family photos to include those too little to remember her clearly. If anything, I think it really helped mum and her brother. Ironically, the time delay, although initially because of necessity, really made it feel like a celebration of her life. I'm glad my family have welcomed my kids and we all came together as an extended family.

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