Why we should talk about suicide #WorldSuicidePreventionDay

In the UK today, if you are aged 5-34 you are more likely to die from suicide than anything else. It is the biggest killer of our younger population. Just think about that for a minute. More people die by their own hand than for any other reason. It takes away our children, our parents, our siblings, our friends.

But we don't talk about suicide. No-one talks about suicide.

It's really hard to talk about suicide. It's really hard for me to write about suicide.

When our 16 year old died all of the older members of our family had counselling. We'd have been completely lost without that opportunity to talk. To sit away from the children and let it out and sob and be angry and say "it's not fair". To express our worries and fears, to find out if what we felt was 'normal'. To find out if our children's response was 'normal'. To keep us going.

My youngest 2 children were under 7 when they lost their sister and deemed too young for counselling. Children under 7 react differently and in general it's expected they should be able to cope. While that might work in some cases, our whole household was shattered and those young boys had a lot to try and understand.

As time went on and my boys still struggled with their sister's death, we were dumbfounded at how to help them. I built myself up and then emailed a UK charity for children who are bereaved.

I was given internet addresses where I could download information sheets and signposted to another well-known children's charity. The information sheets were more for advice immediately following a loss and didn't really help. They focussed on Cancer and long-term illness. I contacted charity no.2.

Children's charity no.2 simply suggested that what I needed was someone who was actually more used to dealing with our specific type of loss. They directed me to a charity for people who have lost loved ones to suicide. Maybe they were right. Maybe it wasn't children's charities I needed.

13 Reasons Why Not.

I haven't watched 13 Reasons Why. Maybe I will one day, maybe in 10 months or 10 years. Maybe never. I don't need to find 13 reasons why, I've spent the last 3 1/2 years thinking of thousands of reasons why, Thousands of straws that could have added just too much to the weight carried.

A couple of years ago I wrote a post called 5 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Decide To Leave This Christmas Or In The Period Thereafter. I always felt I had more to say - so you may recognise some of these points, along with some more...

13 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Decide To Leave (even though it's dark and dismal and everyone's shattered and grumpy)...

Life goes on.... World Suicide Prevention Day 2019 #WSPD

Today I got up and had a wash, got dressed and made a brew. I checked my two boys were dressed and were at least thinking about having breakfast.
I had the radio on, Radio X with Toby Tarrant because Chris Moyles is on holiday again. It was one of those mornings you end up running up and down stairs loads of times because you've forgotten something, and when you get there you can't remember what it was, so you go back down and instantly remember.
I made the kids sandwiches (we've only got cheese, so no choices today) and packed their lunchboxes into their bags. Then a moment's peace. I sat down for 20 minutes with Facebook, coffee and a slice of toast.
Time for school. We spent a good 5 minutes trying to get everyone out of the door with the correct footwear, coat and bags, and then had to turn back for a forgotten pair of glasses when we were 200 yards up the road. Dropped the kids off, came home, fed the pets.

It was entirely mundane.

Was Chester Bennington A Coward?

Over the past few days suicide has barely been out of the headlines. Chester Bennington has been discussed a lot in our house and always with the same end to the conversation. Suicide isn't harmless, it has a massive, rippling negative effect, and anyone who treats it with purely sympathy is sweeping a lot under the carpet.

There's been a real backlash condemning Brian Welch for his outburst against his friend, and I don't agree with it at all. I think he's allowed to call his friend a coward. He will think that. He'll also spend time thinking his friend was selfish, nasty, foolish, wasteful, hurtful. When you end your own life, the people left behind will without a shadow of a doubt spend time thinking that all the pain they are feeling, and the hurt and sadness that they and your loved ones, your friends and everyone else is going through, is due to you.

As those who are left try to make sense of the shock, as they scramble to rearrange what is left of their life into some sort of workable order, and struggle to see why they are bothering, they will find it almost impossible not to think of the person who died as a coward.

Blaming the person who died isn't an option because we know full well it's not their fault. As Brian Welch found out, you'll be pilloried for suggesting it. Everyone will wave their fists and say that 'you don't understand'. You do. You know that actually the person who died was the one unable to understand. Right there and at that second, they forgot why they shouldn't. They couldn't see the right path ahead and you weren't there to save them. So you can't blame them, you have to try to lay blame somewhere else. Probably at least partly with yourself.

It could be you... #MHAW2018

This post is for Mental Health Awareness Week 2018 and carries trigger warnings.

For most of my life Mental Health was something I felt affected other people. Don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of sobbing into my pillow, not wanting to leave the house, drinking a few too many because it made my reality further away. My life has not been plain sailing, but in general I seemed to skim round all the sinkholes and emerge relatively unscathed.

As a teenager I was a volunteer for MIND, spending my evenings playing pool and smiling yet again at photos of a stranger's family and great times, carried around as precious treasure. A reminder that life can be good, and a reason to carry on. I learned quite quickly about some of the realities of poor mental health.

Ellen Lives On by Lynda Haddock Young Adult Fiction Review (Sent by Matador).

Ellen Lives On is a young adult novel by Lynda Haddock which opens with the loss of a parent to suicide. This is a positive and empowering book, which offers real support to young people in the same situation, but obviously it has darker moments and for some readers it may be a hard read at first.

Ellen is 15 and returns home from school to find her front door blocked and no response from her mother inside. She calls on her neighbours for help, they ring the police, and her life stops. Just like that.

Instantly reading this book, it's obvious the author Lynda Haddock understands. She explains very well the confusion and dream-like state you enter. The way you are no longer in control and life happens to you. Everything you expected is turned on it's head and the plans you had made for years just don't count any more.

The police are in charge of your home, social workers and other people you barely know direct you. Strangers know who you are and express their sympathy for you in the street. And when you are told it'll never be the same again, it really won't.

Goodbye to the original Twisted Firestarter...

I was gutted when I heard this morning that Keith Flint had died. He was 2 years older than me. Something I loved to remind our big kids when they were teenage rebels listening to The Prodigy in their bedrooms.

I really hoped that we'd hear his previous excesses had taken their toll on his body and he'd quietly suffered a heart attack or other organ failure in his sleep. I hoped he'd worn himself out prematurely but at least he'd had fun doing it.

The news that he'd taken his own life made me very sad.

Keith Flint (1969 - 2019) @allontheboard. The jilted generation thank you for the music. Rest in Peace. Love and Prayers to your family and friends.#TheProdigy pic.twitter.com/H3sat9m6j0

— All on the board (@allontheboard) March 4, 2019

I used to feel so disappointed when a celebrity died from suicide. Celebrities have all of those young people hanging onto their words. Vulnerable, confused and impressionable youngsters who will be devastated to hear that they've lost a hero. Now I know there's no point in disappointment, it changes nothing and it's not the right emotion. A person dies from suicide just as surely as they die from cancer. They don't have a choice at the end, because they don't see any possible way forward. It isn't about giving up. They lose the fight.

Tomorrow 10th September Is World Suicide Prevention Day

Today when I woke up Elspeth was still dead. She has been dead every single day for the last 24 months, 3 weeks and 4 days. But sometimes, just for a moment, I forget.

And then I remember...

And it's not just me. I see it when her Dad, or her brothers and sister forget. And I see it when they realise. I see that flash across their eyes as they remember she died.

Elspeth felt she was alone, weird, different. She felt no-one would miss her, it would make life easier if she went. She thought we'd all just carry on regardless, as if a car backfired outside, or the living room lights simply flickered.

She wasn't alone, she was surrounded by people who cared, but she hid that she needed help, and none of us were able to spot it. We weren't given the opportunity to help.

Children's Mental Health Week 2019 - and Education

Ironic really that it's during Children's Mental Health Week that I get called into school to discuss one of my children's attendance. This is a first for me. Up until 5 years ago I was the one with 100% attendance certificates all over my fridge and mantlepiece. I'm not unduly concerned, he's had a rough trot lately with several stomach bugs and it took about 6 weeks to clear the flu from his system. He's been ill. Hopefully that's our turn at everything done and we can have an easier time for the rest of the year.

My son has also just had a stressful time for other reasons than flu and associated headaches and vision problems. Over Christmas he saw his Dad rushed off to hospital again, this time with the flu, and he knows I have to have another hernia operation. In his world people he loves do really die, suddenly and forever. The last of his big siblings moved out in September and that's a really big change to our household. It's something that our doctor was concerned about for my partner and I, so it has to be a concern for the younger two as well.

My son has already had to live through far more trauma than most adults. Some days I look at our household and realise it's actually a miracle he ever attends school at all. I have always been quite strict with my kids about going to school, but I know I am slightly softer on the young ones than I ever was with their siblings. If in future they feel they can't cope with anything and can't even say exactly why, I wouldn't ever ignore it - but don't tell them that, they'll get ideas.

Not 21....

At 21 I imagined Elspeth to be in her 2nd or 3rd year of uni. She wouldn't have cut her hair short, and she wouldn't ever have been a person who wears loads of make up. She'd have learned to embrace her quirks a little more and found friends who loved her enough to get past her tantrums. She would still know more about Kanye West than his Mum and she'd still be the funniest person in the building whenever she chose to be.

At 21 she would love the freedom adulthood brings, she'd craved it for so long, but she'd also be a tiny bit terrified of the world and would need reassurance she was doing okay. By now she'd be more confident with the women she was, hopefully accepting her curves and not already spending her life on the eternal 'diet' we women come to accept and expect. She'd be an okay cook, and she'd live mainly on 3 different recipes, and cake. She loved cake. She inherited her father's love of sweeties too.

2,557 Days...84 Months... 7 Years...

"Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends.
Like my fathers come to pass
Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends..."

Our 11 year old left Primary school last month, and Facebook showed me a memory to remind me of the day he left nursery, which was 18th July 2014. It's one of the most painful images I have. My innocent littlest baby, full of promise and joy at the world, and delighted with his "Goodbye" bag of goodies. It hurts so much because it's "before", and less than a month later, his sister was dead, and we were a family full of broken people. His life wouldn't ever be so innocent again.

Children's Mental Health - what we really need #ChildrensMHW2018

It's easy for me to feel bitter and angry about the state of Children's Mental Health services in this country at the moment. I have every reason to believe it's a failing system that is understaffed, underfunded and consequently takes a long time to access and for any action to be implemented.

Last October the Care Quality Commission published a phase one report on children's mental health services. The full review and recommendations will be published next month. They've already found that because many different agencies can be involved, access to CAMHS and other services can be difficult and incredibly time-consuming. I could have told you that. So probably could anyone who has ever wanted to access CAMHS services.

Over the past 4 years we've learned far more about children's mental health services than we ever would have believed. Our family has been given an immense amount of help, for which I am eternally grateful. We had extreme circumstances and jumped to the top of the queues at first, and in the subsequent months we've had to wait patiently with everyone else and at times watch our young people deteriorate, completely impotent and unable to pull them out by ourselves. We've seen the holes in the service, the lack of knowledge-sharing, the time-pressure, the wrangling for financing from different departments in order to make things happen, and the waiting for red tape and meetings to sign off plans and be able to move forward.

I cannot fault any of the professionals we've met. I don't have a bad word to say about any of them because they were every bit as frustrated as we were. Their job often seems more about admin and knowing who to speak to than it is about clinical care and spending time with the people who need it.

#TBCSmiles... 62 Months

This month saw World Mental Health Day, and this year the theme was Suicide Prevention. Obviously this is something I feel very strongly about, and support, but it made it quite a heavy day to get through.

I wrote a post called Life Goes On for World Suicide Prevention Day in September and I wasn't up for writing another so soon. If you've ever written from the depths of your soul, you'll find it's cathartic, but utterly exhausting. It makes everything clearer when you get all the words out of your head. It puts everything into the right order and stops it swirling so much, but you need a break afterwards to recover. Just like counselling really.

One of the points I saw repeatedly on World Mental Health Day (and know from experience) is that people in the UK simply don't have the early access to care that can make all the difference. If you have a mental health problem, even with a referral to your doctor, you can wait many months to be seen by a professional. Even in crisis you can expect to wait weeks. Individuals carry on suffering or deteriorating until their appointment, and their recovery time will become longer with every week they wait to start treatment. It is inevitably too late for some.

NHS spending on mental health is approximately 1/10th of it's entire £129b budget. Your mental health affects everything else, including how physically well you are, how quickly you recover from illness and how often you are off work or school. It would be good to see this percentage rise, although the NHS as it stands isn't in a position to lose any money anywhere else...

Young Minds have a petition to ask the Government to act more quickly on young people's mental health - please sign it. More children are needing the services and waiting times are going up. For children the wait is even worse because it represents a much larger period of their life. To realise you might have to wait 1/10th of your entire life for help is unfathomable, and clearly dangerous.

Suicide is the biggest killer of our children, it takes more victims than Cancer. We need to make huge changes to society for a permanent improvement, but right now we need to get people the help as soon as they need it.

We can still smile, and we can all pass on our smiles and brighten someone's day. I defy you not to grin when you look at this month's selection of #TBCSmiles. We've had lots of big, bold beams this month - every single one gorgeous. Thank you to everyone who shares their smiles over on Instagram - they make my month and I know they bring joy to others.

Anyone is welcome to join in, you don't need a fancy camera or a million followers, just tag any photo with a smile! We pick out 9 of the biggest for the collage. This month's selection were shared by the following Instagrammers:

Jessa67 / TheMumDiaries / NotMyYearOff

SusanAdair / MemeAndHarri / SusanKMann

HappyMummyBlogs / SuperBusyMum / Over40AndAMumToOne

We had our own smiles too here, mainly courtesy of reviews for Hatching Dragons, Bunch O Balloons and Chill Factore Snowboard Taster Sessions - and an 11th birthday!

5 Years, 60 Months, 1825 Days...

5 years ago today we woke up to find one of our children had died. I've never gone to bed without checking on everyone in my house since. Each night I tell them I love them, and I'll see them in the morning. They have to answer. They have to repeat it back to me. I have to know that they intend to still be there.

Everyone who loses someone they love to suicide is a survivor. When you lose them you need to know why? But to understand why is the worst that could ever happen, so you can't ever understand exactly why. That door has to stay shut. Forever. Your job is to let those questions go, and carry on.

In the beginning everything seems so hopeless, pointless.  To keep going is the bravest and hardest thing you'll ever do, and 5 years on, I am so proud of my family for fighting through everything.

We have three big grown up kids at uni, something I'm incredibly proud to tell anyone, but whenever I say it, I know there should be four. I know that if she had done a 3 year course, Elspeth would be graduating now, alongside her school friends (well done to all of you who graduated this year - I hope you have something awesome to do next).

Two of our big kids have "moved out". Gone to live in the world of bills and private landlords. One of them has moved in with his boyfriend, and genuinely it makes my heart glow to see them together. Always though, you wish Elspeth could have met him and given her seal of approval - probably by taking the p1ss.

She's never truly gone, she's always there in your head. We all feel it, everything we do is tinged by a heavy atmosphere that we have to claw through to stay in the moment. The unsaid.

In some ways it still feels like this isn't a reality, that I could still wake up and find out I dreamt it. Life happens 'to us' much more now, we have less control over where we are going. I really don't have a good chronology of the last 5 years, just a jumbled mess of memories. It's like my brain tried to hold on to the important stuff, but it wasn't quite sure what that was.

COVID-19 Coronavirus UK and World News weekend update 5th/6th September 2020.

 COVID-19 Coronavirus UK and World News weekend update 5th/6th September 2020.

The UK added 2,988 cases today and now has reported a total of 347,152 positive cases of COVID-19. We completed 175,687 tests yesterday. 756 people were in hospital on Thursday 3rd, with 69 using a ventilator on Friday 4th. 

In the 24 hours up until 5pm yesterday, we reported the loss of another 2 people who have tested positive to COVID-19 within 28 days. We now very sadly have a total of 41,551 officially reported losses of life in all settings.

Cases / confirmed losses within 28 days of a positive test:
England 299,647 (+2,576) / 36,894
Northern Ireland 7,727 (+106) / 564
Scotland 21,397 (+208)/ 2,496
Wales 18,381 (+98) / 1,597

Rep. Of Ireland 29,672 (+138) cases and 1,777 losses of life.

There have now been a total of 27,211,849 reported cases worldwide. The number of people who have lost their lives worldwide to COVID-19 is 885,900. Already 19,292,235 people have recovered.

"We can't open up at this time. If we were to we would lose control very quickly... I want a Christmas that is as close to normal as possible and this is the only way.... these steps are the only way that we will get to that point."
Daniel Andrews, State Premier of Victoria, Australia (includes the Melbourne area).

England are targeting testing in the North West, hence they don't have enough tests elsewhere, so fingers crossed the increase in numbers is just that they are stamping down hard and catching many more low or no symptom cases. Never forget that back in March we only tested people who ended up in hospital - we didn't add the majority of cases to the numbers.  Yes, almost 3,000 is bad, but it's better than 80 new cases and 2,980 unknown cases wandering around infecting people. 

Good news for areas of the North West - casinos, soft play, conference and events centres, close contact beauty treatments and ice skating can finally reopen on Tuesday. Sadly you still can't have friends or relatives over to visit unless they are coincidentally being paid to do a job. I'm honestly not sure the English Government understand just how mixed the messaging is that they put out. After a day commuting to Manchester for work in a building with 200 people, bikini wax and pub at lunch, gym and swim after work, bob into Tesco, quick fiver at the Casino - how likely is it that someone will take "don't see your Nan / brother / best mate, not even in their garden 6 metres away" very seriously.
I'd go sooner rather than later... the North West accounted for almost 1/4 of all cases today. 

16 Months After Losing Elspeth....

It is now 16 months since we lost Elspeth and we're well into preparations for Christmas. We've bought and ordered presents for most people and even sent some cards. While it may not be as far as most of you, it's far in advance of the place we were at this time last year.

We even took down the decorations from the loft and got the living room ready for our Christmas tree - which we bought this evening. It's gorgeous - just look at the smile on him! We are cooking on gas.

We're also very aware of how broken we all still are. Since last month our teenager in hospital had a temporary inpatient visit from their father. Taking my partner to hospital, and passing straight through triage for the 3rd time in 2 years, this time in an ambulance with flashing lights, was not in my plan....

COVID-19 Coronavirus UK and World News update 11th /12th November 2020.

 COVID-19 Coronavirus UK and World News update 11th /12th November 2020.

The UK added 33,470 cases today (no, it's not a typo) and now has reported a total of 1,290,195 positive cases of COVID-19. We completed 377,608 tests yesterday. 

14,030 people were in hospital on Tuesday 10th, with 1,268 using a ventilator yesterday, 11th November. 

The official report for loss of life within 28 days of a test has not been updated yet today. Up until Friday 30th October, 61,648 people had COVID as a cause of death on their death certificate. 

Rep. Of Ireland 66,247 cases and 1,965 losses of life (not yet reported today). 

There have now been a total of 52,827,392 reported cases worldwide. The number of people who have lost their lives worldwide to COVID-19 is 1,294,755. Already 36,871,346 people have recovered.

Northern Ireland’s current circuit-break regulations were due to expire at midnight on Friday – 24 hours later than was officially announced  (there's a booboo and a half), but they have this afternoon decided to extend them for one more week, until Friday 20th November. 

Bahrain, Cambodia, Chile, Iceland, Laos, Qatar, UAE and Turks and Caicos Islands will be added to the Travel Corridors list at 4am on 14 November. (No quarantine if you return after 4am Saturday). 

Greece, except the islands of Corfu, Crete, Kos, Rhodes and Zakynthos will be removed from the list at 4am 14 November (if you return from Greece after 4am Saturday, you will need to quarantine). 

I've covered 2 UK press conferences today and there's loads of useful information, so I've moved a couple of the other news stories to tomorrow's bulletin. It's a bit UK-centric, however there's loads of data there that's useful to anyone. 

COVID-19 Coronavirus UK and World News Update 9th / 10th / 11th April 2022

COVID-19 Coronavirus UK and World News Update 9th / 10th / 11th April 2022

UK Daily Statistics:
Cases last 7 days: 281,269 (average 40,181 per day)
In hospital last Friday 8th April: 20,051
Using a ventilator last Friday 8th April: 355
Losses of life last 7 days: 1,613 (average 230 each day - that is a lot of people, a lot of friends and a lot of relatives)
Tests last 7 days: 3,239,337 (average 462,762 per day)

Rep. Of Ireland: 1,493,066 (+1,715) cases and 6,884 (+21) losses of life

World: 499,260,917 reported cases and 6,204,095 losses of life

"The brutal reality for staff and patients is that this Easter in the NHS is as bad as any winter. But instead of the understanding and support NHS staff received during 2020 and 2021, we have a government that seems to want to wash its hands of responsibility for what is occurring in plain sight in local services up and down the country.
No 10 has seemingly abandoned any interest in Covid whatsoever. The Treasury has taken bites out of the already very tight NHS budget, while soaring inflation means the NHS settlement is now worth less. It is now unclear that anyone in the centre of government feels the unfolding NHS crisis is their responsibility.
NHS leaders and their teams feel abandoned by the Government and they deserve better.
We have been promised a ‘living with Covid’ plan yet all we have is a ‘living without restrictions’ ideology."
Very strong words from the NHS Confederation, who are well aware that COVID hasn't all finished and gone away now. In fact the UK now has over 20,000 patients in hospital with COVID.
"In the past week, around 20 accident and emergency departments in England have issued diverts, with patients having to be taken elsewhere."
They are asking for 5 actions:
1. Honesty in Government messaging, which "is tending to mislead the public and discourage them to take steps to reduce transmission".
2. "Reinvigorate" public information, be clearer about rates of infection and impact, "while encouraging people to resume behaviours that have previously been effective in keeping infections down".
3. Review NHS infection prevention control measures and educate and empower staff, to allow more non-COVID patients to be treated - safely.
4. Review "elective and other key NHS targets commensurate with the ongoing pressures caused by this Covid crisis".
5. "Additional funding from government to cover the direct costs of Covid is required given the ongoing pressure from treating Covid patients." E.g. lateral flow testing for staff comes from NHS budget.
The NHS Confederation represent the whole healthcare system in England, Wales and Northern Ireland, including 1.5 million staff and more than 1 million patients a day.

#TBCSmiles 2,192 Days... 72 Months.... 6 Years...

 COVID-19 has filled my life for the past 7 months. I'm not even sure how much time normal people spend thinking about it, what experience most people have, because I'm so involved in grabbing new information and reporting it. It's my special interest, and I'd be fascinated anyway, so writing about it was a natural reaction. 

In fact, I'm at relative peace with the whole COVID thing. So much so that a reader of my COVID posts, and also a friend, asked if she could send me a personalised bracelet  (£1 from every sale goes to MIND) because she had the perfect word for me. She chose CALM. I suppose I am. Mostly*. 

I've always been well aware we are just animals living on a bit of rock, and as powerful as we think we are, nature will always be bigger than all of us. I guess that helps, but it's the fact we are pre-disastered that probably really makes the difference.  

48 Months, 208 Weeks, 1461 Days. 4 years.

It's been 4 years since we lost Elspeth.

If you have a 4 year old, all that time they've been alive, she's been gone. While they learned to walk and talk, make friends and use a crayon, she's not gone any further. It's such a long time and she should have done so much, but she didn't give any of it a chance.

Our kids have grown. Our big kids are all grown adults now. Work and thoughts of Uni are filling their heads and it's so hard not to be seeing Elspeth off for her 3rd year. She should be going. She should be getting wasted and staying up all night to finish assessments. Living on 17p noodles and bringing all of her washing home, and expecting me to do it (which I do, because I'm soft).

She should be playing board games with her little brothers, she loved to play and they're both old enough now to play proper games. She should be watching her favourite movies with them, and they should still be happy to belt out songs from Les Miserables.

What I really want to say is that it's all just a bit shit. It's really crappy and unfair. We should have her with us, but because at the moment she decided she'd had enough, no-one happened to ring or send her a message, or knock on her bedroom door, she's not here.