Friday 9 September 2016

Tomorrow 10th September Is World Suicide Prevention Day

Today when I woke up Elspeth was still dead. She has been dead every single day for the last 24 months, 3 weeks and 4 days. But sometimes, just for a moment, I forget.

And then I remember...

And it's not just me. I see it when her Dad, or her brothers and sister forget. And I see it when they realise. I see that flash across their eyes as they remember she died.


Elspeth felt she was alone, weird, different. She felt no-one would miss her, it would make life easier if she went. She thought we'd all just carry on regardless, as if a car backfired outside, or the living room lights simply flickered.

She wasn't alone, she was surrounded by people who cared, but she hid that she needed help, and none of us were able to spot it. We weren't given the opportunity to help.

She wasn't weird. Well, no more than anyone else. Everyone thinks that they're weird and it's hellish being a teenager because that's when you really feel a need for a place to fit in, and it's when you spot the differences. By 40 you begin to realise actually everyone is a bit weird, especially the people you used to think weren't. And you couldn't care less.

She was different. She could play guitar and draw, and she loved the music I listened to when I was a teenager. She had deadpan comic timing, and sarcasm to beat them all. She never walked down the stairs, only ran, and she could trip over her own feet while standing in one spot. She had the most amazing hair, a great smile, and her whole face lit up when she laughed or was caught off guard. No-one else will ever be her.

We all miss her. Every single day her name is mentioned aloud, her photo smiled at and her jacket is left on it's peg....because you can't bear to think of a life with her completely gone...

Life isn't easier, life is very hard.

We didn't carry on regardless. Elspeth's nearest sibling has spent the last 13 months in and out of hospital, climbing out of the hole that was left, and learning to cope without their sister. Elspeth's Dad was rushed to hospital a few months ago with heart problems. Elspeth's little brothers over 2 years later will not enter an empty room or go to the toilet alone. The Summer holidays have been very long and very hard, and crammed full of memories, and I can't imagine any of us ever looking forward to August ever again.


Tomorrow 10th September is World Suicide Prevention Day, and people across the world will show a ribbon of support. That ribbon means we know you are not so weird. You are not moaning. You are important and you matter to me. And I assure you, you will be missed. Please stay. Please stay, so that you can find your own hope, and your own smiles.

On the 15th of each month I share the smiles I've collected from my family throughout the previous 4 weeks. Each day that I can make someone smile is a day that was worthwhile. Each smile of my own proves that I can find the joy.

Each smile is the reason and reminder that we can keep stepping carefully around the huge hole in our family which will always be there, and we can carry on. We can have a look at what is around the corner, we can take opportunity. We can enjoy the sun setting and the birds singing, grass on our toes and wind in our face. No-one can take that from us. We can laugh and sing and dance (very badly, but who the f*ck cares). We can feel pride and achievement, friendship and love. We can have hope.

I treasure every single smile....

And I will always miss Elspeth's smile, and I will always wish that she had been able to find hope, or that she had told us she had lost hers, so that we could try to help her find it again.


Dear Elspeth...

Nothing is easy.
How children cope with the death of a close loved one.
What happens when someone is a victim to suicide in your house.
Coping with the first Christmas after losing a family member.
One Year
Two Years

And if you read nothing else today.... Five Reasons Why You Shouldn't Decide To Leave This Christmas Or In The period Thereafter.

You aren't alone. If you want to talk to someone you always can.

The Samaritans are on hand 24 hours a day. If you are a young person or are worried about another young person, you may feel more comfortable talking to Papyrus or Childline.

If you are a bereaved parent or have lost a child, Child Bereavement UK may be able to help.

If you have lost someone to suicide, then you can speak to SOBS (Survivors Of Bereavement By Suicide).


You have already proven you are stronger than you think.

41 comments:

  1. This is so beautifully written. Thank you for sharing. I hope things get a little easier for you all, especially health wise x

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  2. Your writing helps do many people, your honesty and your smiles. I hope it continues to help you and your family too x sending love xx

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  3. A heartbreaking but important post. It made me cry but I'm glad I read it. Thank you for writing it, I can't imagine how hard it must be.

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  4. What a beautiful girl and gorgeous smile. How my heart aches for you all. She is always in your hearts and in those smiles of your gorgeous children. It is a subject that needs to be talked about and for people to try to help those who feel they can't talk to anyone. All my love xx

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  5. Jenny I'm guessing you don't feel like it, but you are so brave for sharing this and you will definitely be helping so many others. We just need to start that conversation and you are selflessly giving people the tools to do that. Very powerful writing. Hugs x

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  6. You and yours are often in my thoughts Jenny. You are all so strong xxx

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  7. Thank you for sharing this. Just over a year ago I received a suicide note from my ex-boyfriend. It was horrible. We weren't together any more and hadn't been for some time, but that didn't make it any easier to cope with. He was a grown man, and yet he had no hope and was full of self loathing. I was sad, but also felt anger. It was such a mix of emotions to deal with. So thank you for this post, I pray it will save many people and help them to seek help that is available.

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    1. Thank you Lisa. I'm truly sorry for what happened to you and for your ex and the people he left behind xx

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  8. Jenny - I have no doubt this post will help so many other people. And the fact that you share those smiles is an inspiration. I know sending love and thoughts isn't probably very helpful but I just wanted to let you know I've just read your story aloud to my husband and we both are thinking of you xxxx

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  9. My thoughts are always with you and your family.

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  10. What a tragic thing for any family to have to go through. Thank you for sharing with us and writing so beautifully, I feel like I had a tiny glimpse into your world with Elspeth. It must be so heartbreaking without her. If virtual hugs and words would help I would send you a world full xx

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  11. You are a very brave lady, Jenny. I can't even begin to imagine what you and your family have been through these last couple of years. Thank you for this post, as it brings hope. Hugs, hun xxx

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  12. Sending love to you and your family Jenny. xx

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  13. What a post Jenny, I have been there I have tried to take my own life it's a horrible place to be in and you do feel so alone in the world. I was extremely lucky that I got help but not before I had hurt myself. I cope extremely well now but it breaks my heart to read this and hear anyone who has been in that dark place. I embrace everyday now and try to enjoy life to the full. I have the scars as a reminder but I am not ashamed. This post is just awesome in that you can celebrate Elspeth life and what she meant to you and how you saw her. Big massive hugs coming your way I can't imagine how you feel I can only know how she would have felt 😢 X X X X

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    1. You comment means more to me than you can begin to realise. Thank you. I am truly glad that you are still here, and you can embrace life. Your kids are clearly doing great and have a fantastic Mum xx

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  14. Sending you all so much love. I admire you all so very much.

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  15. A close family member committed suicide when I was a teenager. I cannot imagine how your world falls apart when a child dies. My heart is breaking reading this. Thank you for sharing this incredibly sad experience with others. If after reading this, one person picks up the phone to the Samaritans or simply talks to a friend or family member about how they are feeling then this post will have helped.

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    1. Thank you for your comment (and thank you to everyone else as well. I can't reply to them all, not yet). I am sorry for you and your family that you have lost someone too. If a single person talks to someone then this post was worth every second xx

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  16. It always brings tears to my eyes reading your Elspeth posts. You are so strong carrying on the way you do and putting your all into bringing up a lovely family despite having this hanging over you everyday. Your posts are inspiring and helpful to others in the same situation and one I know you will never forget but one you are trying to embrace into a positive. I can see your monthly smile posts keep you going and it's lovely to see your family happy and enjoying life and trying to look forward to the future. I wish your family future happiness and I think it's great that you can promote what's happened to help prevent others. Sending hugs your way. xxx

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  17. Beautifully written....
    Sending love and hugs to you and your family!

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  18. Thank you so much for sharing this. I hadn't spoken to my brother for three years when I heard about Elspeth and he probably didn't even know I was mad with him. We are both over 40 and he lives away from here. It made me realise how important family is no matter what.

    Also, I am very lucky as my 14 year old son failed in his attempt just before Christmas and he does tell us when he is struggling.

    Lots of love to you all and I understand that time is not a healer.

    Sally Lawler

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    1. I'm truly glad your son is still here, and I'm sorry that you have been in that place. Thank you for your comment and I wish you all strength and smiles going forward x

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  19. I've read your post 3 times today and keep coming back not knowing how to let you know that it has really touched me. I think about you and your family so often. You are such an inspiration - Elspeth will be looking down and be so proud of you all x

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  20. Thinking of you and your family as I do whenever I see a sunflower and I know this will help others xx

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  21. This post is heartbreaking and beautifully written. My heart goes out to you and your family and also anyone else who has had to go through something like this. I am sure your post will help others out there. xx

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  22. A Beautiful post Jenny, it must have so difficult for you to write it. It's so hard when you get into that dark place, suddenly everything hurts and you don't stop to think about what happens after, all you think is how all your pain will stop and then you want be any bother to anyone else. At that point you truly believe that everyone will be happier when you are gone. I truly believed that I only caused everyone pain and made their lives worse. I didn't look to the future, I had no future, life was just too difficult to deal with. When I came too in hospital and saw my families faces I realised that I had caused them so much pain in my attempt. I really couldn't understand it. I promised mum that I would never try again and from that moment my life changed. I still get the dark moments, yes even now I sometimes believe that my young children would be better off without me. But because I recognise the feelings I can get help. It's so easy to hide those feelings from others though. You spread such an important message Jenny, it must be so difficult for you to do this, I know I can't. Keep counting those smiles, Elspeth would be proud of you xxx

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    1. Anne, you are one of the strongest and most inspiational people that I could ever hope to know. I am so, so glad that you are still here, and I know everyone around you feels exactly the same xx

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  23. I have no idea what to say but I suspect it is better to say I care, I'm so sorry, than nothing. Praying for you all Jenny. Mich X

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  24. This post has to be one of the most beautifully written, heartfelt pieces of writing I have ever read. I am thinking of you and your beautiful family today Jenny. Thank you for writing this and I hope that anyone out there who is going through doubts and fears reads this and understands that they are not alone xx

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  25. This is a very important post jenny, demonstrated by the amount it has been shared, liked and commented on. I think of you all often and how you are doing, lots of love x

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  26. Collecting smiles is such a lovely thing to do.
    Your first line captures it perfectly - when you wake up and for a heartbeat, it isn't true. And then it is.
    I am so sorry for your loss.
    Tamsyn.

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    1. And I am sorry for you loss, and that you understand that feeling. I wish you strength xx

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  27. Still crying ten minutes after reading this,what a beautiful tribute to your daughter,i cant even imagine what you have been through
    So very sorry for your loss xx

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  28. Oh jenny this made me so, so sad. I have that same gut wrenching feeling and tears as I had when I read your post about Elspeth. How could she not know what a gap she would leave? How could she not know what a huge part she played in so many lives? I feel for you now like I have done over the last two years - and it really doesn't feel like two years ago at all. Sending love xx

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  29. Such a brave thing to share. I love the kindness that you give to others - and the hope and smiles you bring to others. Hugs xxx

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  30. Jenny this is so heartbreaking but so beautifully written, I so hope the courageous way you deal with your tragic loss helps others,awareness is so important, sending love x

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  31. Sorry for you loss Jenny. Your post will definitely help lots of people. It must have been a hard post to write. Love xx

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  32. There was a comment here from a young person, but they have deleted it. I just want to say that it's a lovely idea and go for it. Everyone should hold on to all of their smiles :)
    Best of luck to you wherever life takes you this year xx

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