Thursday, 28 August 2014

Dear Elspeth...

Without any warning, in the early morning of 15th August 2014, my partner's daughter, one of our children, took her own life. We couldn't have known, and even if we had found her immediately, we couldn't have saved her.

I have written many thousands of blog posts in my head since that morning, here is just one of them...

Dear Elspeth,

You planned it so well. Your Dad was meant to find you, I know that. You couldn't have known I'd have a bad night's sleep and pull your 5 year old brother into bed for an extra half hour with me. You thought we'd be downstairs. You certainly won't have expected that I'd ask your brother to go and tell you to turn off your alarm. He wasn't sure if you were dead, he said he thought maybe you were pretending. I knew from what he said. I knew as I ran to your room. I knew when I saw you, and as I touched your cheek. I had to tell your Dad, and I didn't want to be that person to do that to him. I didn't realise I was screaming and he was already on his way. We both saw we were far too late, we knew that. And that was really the moment when time. just. stopped.

The Police were here for the next 5 hours. Everyone treated us with the utmost care, they really did. You'd have been pleasantly surprised, and possibly disappointed you couldn't find anything to chastise them for. There were so many people in the house, we sat in the kitchen. Your brothers and sisters were in the living room, away from what was happening, in a bubble of Cartoon Network and silence, together under blankets on the sofa. No-one had any socks and it was cold, a Policeman guarded the stairs and it seemed wrong to ask him to let me get some.

They brought down your note. I hadn't seen it, I hadn't even considered it. So typical of you to write so much. I couldn't read it all until they brought us back a copy 4 days later. I couldn't focus my eyes for long enough. I think of you writing and my heart stings so much. You must have felt beyond despair.  You knew how much this would hurt us, you must have been hurting so much more to do it.

You said we aren't to be too sad. I don't know how sad is too sad, but I don't think it's possible to be any more sad than we are now. You have left a gaping hole in our family that can never be filled.

You said it will be easier for us now.  It gives me no comfort to know that I'll never have to deal with your frustrations and anger again. It was a part of you, and you take everything that your child offers, be it good or bad. We didn't care that you were Autistic, you were the same person you'd always been. You were our child, our sibling, and it didn't make us love you any less. No-one is ever perfect all of the time, and you were less trouble than most, for most of every day. I know life was hard work for you, but we didn't realise just how hard.

The meltdowns were awful, but the rewards you offered were so great, couldn't you see that? You were so clever and witty and beautiful. Your obsessions with TV shows and movies, your enthusiasm for the small things, how could you ever think that life would be easier now without you? How can Christmas ever be great again without you there? How can we ever play a board game again without taking note of the space at the table where you always sat? Dr Who was an event when you were there, it just wasn't the same last weekend, and it'll never be as good again.

Never again will we sit downstairs and listen to you play your guitar, no more handpainted birthday cards or fantastic artwork. Who will be the one to be the first there when one of the small boys cry now? Who can I moan at for running on the stairs? Who will I talk to when I make a coffee late at night before bed?

You were hard work, you took up more time than any of our other children, but someone had to be that person. As you got older the mood swings were at least more predictable. I suppose if we knew they were coming, so did you, and you hated the lack of control. You hated the inability to stop yourself, and you would beat yourself up afterwards. You were so worried that you'd break up the family, but that wouldn't have happened. We've been there all this time, we weren't going to give up on you as you became an adult.

You said in your note that your funeral isn't to be lame. We've done our best. Cardboard Tom Jones will be there. You have a purple coffin and a French Legion Of Honour medal just like Gavroche in Les Miserables. Your 5 year old brother will press the button to close your curtains, and you'll leave with the TARDIS. We mentioned Sunflowers and everyone has run away with it, you'd be so delighted. There are the most amazing and beautiful Sunflowers everywhere and they are all for you.

We will always wish that we could have known, we could have seen. Why did you ask me for a Winter coat, why did you arrange a sleepover with your friends, why buy tickets to Manchester Pride? Was there a glimmer of hope that you'd stay longer? As long as I live I will look for the clues, I will search for what I should have known, and I will wish you had told us that you were so desperate inside.

We aren't angry with you, we know you loved us, and you knew we loved you, and I will always be glad that I told you so the day before you died. We miss you. We will all always miss you.

Life might have been a little simpler if you'd been less angry, but you missed the point. Life will never be easier without you xxx
 
 
In a study published by the Autism Research Centre in June 2014 it was found that around 66% of adults with Asperger's Syndrome (high-functioning Autism) have had suicidal thoughts, and 35% had planned or attempted suicide. Because of the nature of Autism, they are far more likely to actually carry it through to a conclusion. 

Childline Freephone 0800 1111 - for children and young people who are struggling and need to talk or need help
The Samaritans - for anyone who needs to talk or is struggling
Child Bereavement UK - for those who have lost a child, and for children who have lost someone. Advice for anyone spending time with bereaved children.
Winston's Wish - the charity for bereaved children
Autism Help.Org - advice and help for families of children with Autism
Papyrus UK - Prevention Of Young Suicide

208 comments:

  1. This has broken my heart. May she rest in peace and may you treasure her spirit xx sending love xxxxx

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  2. AS I said earlier, Elspeth was beautiful and it's just so terribly sad that she won't be here to see how wonderful the world can be. You know my thoughts are with you all every moment of the day, I've seen sunflowers every day since you said they would be the flowers at the funeral and we will have some here tomorrow and take a moment to just stop and send you hugs xxx

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  3. There are no words Jenny, none at all. I am so, so sorry for your loss and pain. There are sunflowers everywhere I look - please know that they are all for Elspeth, all for you and your family. My thoughts are with you at this tragic time x

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  4. I am so sorry Jenny. Sending you my love x

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  5. Just reading this I cried. My D has said things that alarm me but doctors/teachers don't believe me. He is 12. I can't imagine how you feel, and I don't know what to say. But I am here, reading, thinking, listening. X

    I am so sorry. So truly sorry for you all. X

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  6. I'm so so sorry she's gone. She sounds like she had the most wonderful personality and the sunflowers all look even more special to me now, they really are everywhere. Thinking of you all a lot xx

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  7. So beautifully written Jenny,my heart is broken for your entire family. As an autism parent this post really hits home, my boy who is only 10 has said things no parent wants to hear, so I thank you for writing this post, even at what must be a horrendous time for your family, still helping others. Love to you all xxx

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  8. I'd forgotten about "the ood before Christmas" till I read this, and I'm glad Tom Jones will be making an appearance. Love and hugs from us all. xxxxx

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  9. I'm in tears reading this, such a devastating loss to you all, I can't imagine quite how you are feeling and how you are getting through each day. But you have so much support around you and online, I'm thinking of you each and every day and hope tomorrow is a special day to remember a special girl. I'll be thinking of you. xxxxx

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  10. I'm so sorry Jenny, it's heartbreaking reading this and I can't imagine how your all feeling. There's sunflowers everywhere for Elspeth. Please know that we're all thinking of you xxx

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  11. I've cried, for you, and for Elspeth, and for everyone at the thought that we can't possibly know if something like this is going to happen. I hope you have a strong support network around you; I'm so sorry and I wish we could do anything to help xxx

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  12. Oh Jenny. I can't think of the words to say what's in my head or my heart. You are immense & Elspeth extremely lucky to have you as her Mum x x

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  13. Oh jenny I am sat here sobbing at such a beautiful post that no one should ever have to write. I am sure you will give Elspeth the most amazing send off and I will be thinking of you all tomorrow. With love as always xxx

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  14. There are no words just wanted to comment and let you know you and your family are in my thoughts. Xxx

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  15. There are not words enough to tell you just how sorry I am for your dreadful loss. I cannot begin to imagine the pain and sadness you are feeling. But please know that I am thinking of you, and remembering Elspeth, and my deepest sympathies are with you. From one autism parent to another, from one mum to another. Lots of love to you and yours xx

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  16. I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you all x x x

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  17. Jen. Cathy texted me to read. You have more courage than you know. Love you lots xxxxx. Dragon

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  18. Words cannot and will never be enough. So so sorry for your loss. Much love xxx

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  19. I'm so very sorry, love to you all. A beautiful post filled with love xx

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  20. This is a beautiful and loving post, it shows how much you all loved each other and Elspeth knew this. I am so sorry for your loss and will be thinking of you all tomorrow, as I have every day since.

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  21. I am so so sorry for your loss, my son is autistic and this hits home. My thoughts are with you and your family, sending love xx

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  22. I am so, so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. My heart goes out to you, what a wonderful letter you have written to Elspeth, if only she could read it. Lots and lots of love x x x

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  23. Jenny, just wanted to let you know how much I am thinking of you and your family. This post is beautiful and heartbreaking. The love that you all have for each other as a family is clear and I hope that this supports and comforts you all at this sad time. Sleep tight Elspeth xxx

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  24. I'm so deeply sorry that your beautiful, smart, unique amazing daughter is no longer with you. I will light a candle for Elspeth if you need anything we are here xxxx

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  25. I am so sorry for your loss. No-one has any words that can ease your pain, but you are in our thoughts xx

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  26. My heart is breaking for you, thinking of you all x

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  27. So sorry for your loss. Thinking of you all and sending virtual hugs xxx

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  28. I'm so sorry for your loss. Elspeth sounds like she was an incredibly bright and wonderful girl. I'm thinking of you all and hope you will get through this as a family x

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  29. I'm so sorry for your loss. Such a beautiful but heartbreaking post. Love to you all xx

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  30. Dear Jenny, I am so sorry that i have no words of wisdom or anything that will make a difference but i am sending you all my love and thoughts

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  31. Jenny, I am so so sorry for your loss. She sounds an amazing, beautiful girl. I will be thinking of you all tomorrow. Much love xxxxx

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  32. Mary told me what happened and I've been thinking of you and wondering what to say, but there are no words really. I'm just so sad for you all and will continue to be thinking of you x

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  33. OMG i am crying and to think my tears mean nothing because you must have shed so many and i am just an outsider reading about your loss. I am so sorry and I admire you so much for writing this down. I am at a loss - what can I say to help ease the pain you must all feel. I am just so sorry and I genuinely send you my best wishes and she sounds like a wonderful girl. xxx

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  34. Sending all my love to you and your family at such a sad time for you all. I cannot begin to understand how you are feeling. Stay strong, Elspeth will always be with you in spirit. Such an emotional post. xx

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  35. There are no words....I'm so sorry for your loss!! I am thinking of you all! Sending massive hugs and love! xxxx

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  36. I'm just so so sorry. Words just seem hollow at a time like this. Thinking of you all xxx

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  37. I'm so sorry to hear this, but you have written this beautifully. My thoughts are with you all at this terrible time xx

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  38. such a heartfelt post for a lovely life cut short x

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  39. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. A beautiful letter to your daughter. My son is autistic and it has really hit a nerve. Thinking of you all x

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  40. I am so sorry for your loss.
    There really are no words but my thoughts are with you and your family xx

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  41. You've all been in my thoughts ever since.
    Xx thinking of you all and sending love and strength for tomorrow

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  42. Oh Jenny, I'm so so sorry for your loss. Elspeth sounds like such a beautiful person, I can't begin to understand the pain you're all feeling. My thoughts are with you x

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  43. Heartbreaking to read this, cannot imagine what you and your family are going through. Thoughts are with you all.

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  44. I am in tears. Huge hugs to you all x

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  45. Jenny, Euan, Kids.

    My heart breaks for you all. I wish beyond words that there was a way to make this better for you, but I know there isn't.

    I hope that in time you will be able to live with your new normal, and that happy memories of Elspeth will make you smile when you look back on them.

    With all the love in the world

    Karen x

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  46. Jenny, I'm devastated to read this. You've been so brave to write this beautiful post about a beautiful young woman, and I'll be thinking of you all tomorrow as I look at the sunflowers on my windowsill. Words are never enough at a time like this. x

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  47. I have no words for your pain but couldn't leave without commenting. Enormous virtual hugs to your family. With love Karen xxx

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  48. Thinking of you all, such a moving post x

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  49. Truly heartbreaking, there are no words for me to say to ease your pain... sending love xox

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  50. I'm so sorry for your loss Jen. My thoughts are with you xxx

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  51. So tragically heartbreaking. Words fall me Jenny, they truly do. Because nothing can be said to heal the pain you guys are experiencing. Not a single one. So I too have a sunflower on my facebook profile as support. Thinking of you guys everyday since I heard. You'll be in my thoughts more tomorrow xxxx

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  52. Jenny I'm thinking and praying for you all. I'm sure your northern blogger friends are giving you support but know the whole community has your back. Lots of love Emma

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  53. Oh Jenny, a beautiful letter to a beautiful and sorely missed daughter xxx

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  54. I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you all.

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  55. I am so, so sorry Jenny. I wish I had the words to comfort you. Just know that I am thinking of you and your family xx

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  56. love to you all,
    The most moving work I have read in a long time, It breaks my heart to read.

    xxx

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  57. Desperately tragic, I can't imagine your pain. Sending much love. There are no other words I can offer at such a terrible time. xxx

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  58. I am so sorry, tears roll down my cheeks but I can't feel what you're all going through. I am so sorry for your lose you are in all our thoughts.

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  59. This has just floored me. I am sending you every bit of strength and love I have xxxxxxxx

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  60. My heart breaks not only for you but for Elspeth too. If only it were possible to turn back time. Sending much love and sunflowers xxx

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  61. There is nothing to say. What a beautiful girl. I am so sorry for your family's loss xx

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  62. My heart has broken for you reading this. I am so sorry. x

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  63. You don't know me, I saw this post through a friend. There are no words... I have lost three friends to suicide, all young and I have seen the pain it leaves behind, I can't imagine what you are all going through. This is a wonderful tribute to your beautiful daughter. I am so very sorry for your loss xx

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  64. I'm so, so sorry for your loss Jenny. I can't imagine how you must feel and how hard it must be for you and your family.

    Thinking of you x x x

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  65. I am so sorry for your family's loss. I have joined the sunflowers on Facebook and Twitter and shared your beautiful writing- I will be thinking of you all in days to come x

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  66. I commented earlier but it's disappeared, sorry about that. I just wanted to say how sorry I was to hear your news, and you're in our thoughts and prayers. But also, you are doing an amazing job of honouring Elspeth in your words and actions; it's obvious how much she loved and was loved, and I hope that provides some comfort in the days to come.

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  67. Jenny, such a beautiful post and courage to write it.
    My heart goes out to you all, sending you hugs.

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  68. Jenny and family, I don't know what I can write that hasn't already been said. I am so sorry and feel your pain. You are all in my thoughts.

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  69. Oh my goodness I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you struggle through your daughter's passing. Hugs.

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  70. So so sorry. Huge hugs to you all. In tears here. Lost for words. xxxx

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  71. Think my comment has gone too. Jenny, I'm so sorry. I can't begin to understand what you're feeling right now and I will be thinking of you over the coming days. Take care.

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  72. There are no words. But I wanted to show support. x

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  73. So sorry for your loss Jenny. Elspeth sounds like she was an amazing girl and daughter, and her memory will be with your family always.
    Hugs, Emma

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  74. I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for you :-(

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  75. You were such a ray of sunshine when I met you at Blog On and Britmums and I have been thinking of you often over the last week. Well done for finding the strength to write this, it must have been unbelievably tough, but it is an amazing post, full of love and family. Sending love and strength xxx

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  76. I don't know what to say, or how to begin to say it. But my thoughts are with you and your family.

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  77. So so sad :( Thinking of you all at this very hard time ! :( <3

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  78. My heart is breaking into pieces as I read this. Your incredible strength and love for Elspeth screams at me through your words. Her impact on your world in her time here was obviously huge and her legacy will continue as a result. Her choice of flower is so perfect as they light up the world for such a brief time with their colour and sunshine. There are no words of comfort I would even dare to offer but I couldn't read and not comment. Sending you and your family love and hugs as you process this and work your way through the fog. xx

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  79. I'm so sorry for your loss. A friend of mine posted the link on Facebook and I came to read. Elspeth sounds like a lovely girl and she's a Whovian - just like me. Sending you big hugs

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  80. I'm so very sorry that your beautiful Elspeth is gone. Heartbroken for you x

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  81. My heart goes out to you and your family. I am so very sorry for your loss xoxoxoxox

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  82. Oh Jenny my heart breaks reading this, I never knew the reason for your loss and it wasn't my place to ask 'how' Elspeth was a beautiful young lady with the world her oyster if only she'd seen that. the love you have for her is clear to see I really have no words that will help but you are very much in my thoughts today tomorrow and always xxxx

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  83. Oh i am sending you so much love and I am so so so sorry

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  84. You are so incredibly strong. Thinking of you and all your family Zx

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  85. Oh Lord, I'm so sorry for your loss.

    Eileen xxx

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  86. I am so so sorry. Absolutely heartbroken for you all my love being sent your way xxxxxx

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  87. No words I write will make things right because words wont bring her back. I will be thinking of you all tomorrow as you say your goodbyes and hope with time your hearts will heal a little.

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  88. Sending you lots of love at this horrendously difficult time. My heart breaks for you. xoxoxo

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  89. I've just read this with a sad heart...I'm so so sorry for your loss x

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  90. I am so very sorry for your loss.xx

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  91. Oh Jenny I'm so sorry, sending love to you xx

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  92. The whole blogging community is thinking of you and your family Jenny.We're all here for you xxx

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  93. Beautiful post. Elspeth's memory will live on in each and every one of you - and all of us! I for one won't be able to look at a sunflower again without thinking of her. I hope tomorrow goes as well as can be expected. We're going sunflower shopping in Elspeth's honour tomorrow morning, and are then going to blow bubbles at 1pm.

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  94. I don't know the right words to say, I am not sure there are any right words. This is a beautiful post for a young lady who was clearly loved and adored. My heart goes out to you all x

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  95. So sorry for your loss, I can't even begin to imagine the pain you and your family are going through :( xx

    Pia S

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  96. So, so sorry Jenny. My heart goes out to you. x

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  97. I know there are no suitable words, but I am sending love to you all xxxx

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  98. This is so heart breaking to read... I can't begin to feel what it must be like to be in your shoes right now.

    My Facebook and twitter are covered in sunflowers and it is all for Elspeth. We will all be thinking of you tomorrow & I hope that you get strength and comfort from that xx

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  99. Jenny my heart is with you all, flooded and aching. I hope she has found her peace, I hope one day you can all find peace with her loss. I am so, so sorry. Just so sorry.

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  100. Thinking of you and your family at this time jenny. As many have said, there are no words, but sending virtual support and hugs xxx

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  101. Words can't describe, I see Facebook and twitter full of sunflowers for her.
    So sorry for your loss, I hope tomorrow goes smoothly xxx

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  102. You are so brave to have written this Jenny, there are so many things I could say but they won't do it justice. Thinking of you today. My love goes out to you and your family xx

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  103. Words will mean very little to you right now apart from her words, just know that there will always be people there in heart and spirit for you every step of the way.

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  104. I am so very sorry for your loss xx

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  105. My heart was breaking for you while reading this. You are all in my thoughts x

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  106. Just heartbreaking I am so sorry to be reading this. Thinking of you and your family at such a difficult time. x

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  107. Oh my goodness. I have only just seen this. I am so sorry to you and your family. I am crying tears for your daughter. Thinking of you all. Bless you all xxxxxx

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  108. We are all thinking of you x

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  109. I am so so sorry for your loss. It breaks my heart to read this & I can only imagine what you and your family are going through. I have so much respect for you in writing this. Stay strong - Thinking and preying for your family
    Lotte xo

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  110. I cannot imagine the strength it took to write this, to endure this. My deepest sympathies, my thoughts, my prayers, are with you all.

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  111. :( bless all your hearts, meant in the nice way, not the passive-aggressive southern way. Now I will never see a sunflower without thinking of Elspeth and you all.

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  112. p.s. Tom Jones cardboard cutout is fantastic.

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  113. My heart goes out to you and all your family on the devastating loss of your beautiful daughter. I have seen so many sunflowers, I couldn't but not notice them, but I didn't like to ask why, so many are putting sunflowers all over the web, now I know why and I cry for you, a truly heart felt post, telling it as it is. Sunflowers are a beautiful, bright and vibrant plant, sounds very much like your daughter bless her. I googled sunflowers and the sunflowertrust.com came up, helping children be the best they can no matter what. Jenny my heart goes out to you, today you will do your daughter proud, she sounded like a girl who at times knew what she wanted. There will be days of if only, why, what if, in amoungst them days of darkness, but remember the little girl who smiled, the daughter she was, the Elspeth she was and always now will be in your heart, in your memories. Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us every day. Unseen, unheard, but always near, so loved, so missed, so very dear. She will always forever more stay close in your heart. Wishing the gentlest of days, weeks, months ahead for you all in such sad circumstances. Sending love and my heartfelt condolences to you & may Elspeth be at peace, bless you all, Sadie

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  114. Absolutely heartbreaking, I can not feel the pain but I feel pain in knowing how much you loved your baby and she is no longer with you, sweet Jenny Leonardl I hope one day you feel peace as your daughter does now , much love to you all sweet lady, I am so sorry , words can not say how much I feel for you all x

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  115. I cannot imagine how much it has taken to write this, sending my love and strength to you. xxx

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  116. So sorry to read this. I cannot imagine what you are going through, but you are all in my thoughts. The death of a child is something a mother should never have to go through. x

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  117. Gosh Jenny my heart aches for you all. I'm sure there are no words that anyone can offer to take away your pain but I'm always thinking of you all. X

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  118. ����������

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  119. So, so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you all, sorry the question marks above were supposed to show as hearts not question marks sorry XX

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  120. I am so so sorry for your loss, words just don't seem enough x

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  121. I am so sorry can not imagine all the pain you are going through, thinking of you and your family xx

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  122. Jenny, I'm so so sorry. My heart breaks for you & I've shed so many tears. There are no words, but know I'm here if you ever want to talk. Know there are so many people here thinking of you all & sending you love xxx

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  123. I don't have words anywhere near adequate to this terrible tragedy. Thinking of you and your family.

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  124. Oh dear Jenny...I am so sorry to read this :( heartbroken for you and your family and her little soul. I am not good with words :( so sorry for you loss xxxx

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  125. This post is beautifully written and so sad. I can't think of words that will be adequate in this situation. My heart goes out to you all. Xx

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  126. Thinking of you all - such a cliche, but so true - so many of us are holding you and your family in our thoughts and hearts and sending you strength, today and always xx

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  127. All my love and thoughts are with you and your family - especially today x

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  128. My heart goes out to you and to your daughter x

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  129. Ive just found out & read this post, and I'm wearing a top covered in sunflowers! They are for her. And for all of you. There are no words I can think of to comfort, none are suitable, I just wish I could reach out and bear hug you all xxx Lucy xxx

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  130. I know whatever I say would sound banal in this situation, but my heart goes to you. It is incredibly heartbreaking and tragic. Thinking of you and your beautiful daughter.

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  131. I'm so so sorry. This is an awful thing for you all to go through. A beautiful letter. Thinking of you all at such a sad time xxx.

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  132. I'm so sorry that you and your family are having to go through this, such beautifully written words. Sending you much love today, I shall buy some sunflowers xx

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  133. My heart goes out to you and your family at this difficult time. xx

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  134. Jenny I am so sorry. I don't have the words but I am sending lots of love to all your family x x x

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  135. Oh my God, I'm so sorry for loss. A heart-breaking post...sending love & strength x

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  136. Sending the love of one grieving mother to another. Such powerful writing and I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. X

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  137. My thoughts are very much with you. A beautiful post so bravely written x sending love to all of your family x x x

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  138. No words from me can bring her back, change what has happened, or make anything right. The only words I have for you know are remember the good times, you will do one day. Its a sad sad world where people that are different feel this to be their only option. Huge hugs and loving thoughts to all of you. xx
    RIP Elspeth

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  139. Thinking of you all, beautifully written post xxxx

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  140. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Elspeth. Thinking of you and your family xxx

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  141. I didn't know what happened, I didn't think it was my place to ask as I knew you were grieving no matter what the reason. Knowing doesn't change how I feel, I still have tears and still wish I could bring her back to you and your family. But I am glad fellow bloggers have come to your aid in whatever way they can, by making an online version of a field of sunflowers via social media. I hope that having us around at least gives you some comfort that people care, people respect your family and people will do whatever they can to help you all through a time they all wish they could undo. RIP Elspeth.

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  142. Heartbroken for you. I have nothing else to offer, which is lame...but just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you all. I hope your pain eases up, bit by bit, even if it's just the tiniest little bit, with every passing day. xx

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  143. I am so sorry that your beautiful, Doctor Who fan, daughter Elspeth is gone.

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  144. I am so so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family xxx

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  145. I am so so sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine the pain that your heart is feeling, I do not know you but my heart is breaking for you, and I can only wish that you remember the wonderful moments that you shared to together.x (Hannah Bee)

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  146. Oh Jenny, this is just heartbreaking. I cannot imagine how you will make sense of this. Such a beautiful girl who will leave the biggest hole in all of your lives. Thinking and praying for you x x

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  147. I'm so very sorry for your loss - I wish I could say something helpful, but there is nothing to say, but that your beautiful girl will never be forgotten.

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  148. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Your words were heartbreaking to read. I don't know you but I had to leave a comment to let you know I read, I sobbed, I hear you and I feel your pain. Your daughter was beautiful inside and out. I wish she could have stayed with you for longer. I am sending you love and comfort and thinking of your family as you grieve together and find new ways to live. Be gentle with yourselves and I pray you continue to be surrounded by people who love you and treat you with utmost care throughout the days, months and years ahead xxx

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  149. so sorry for your loss, sending big hugs your way

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  150. I am so sorry for your family's loss. Such a beautiful girl. There are no words that will ever be enough but I send you all of the hope, love and strength I have.

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  151. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family at this very hard time xxx

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  152. My heart goes out to you . Thinking of you all xxx

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  153. So very sorry for your loss hun. I cannot imagine what you and your family are going through. My thoughts are with you all today as you lay your beautiful daughter to rest x hugs xxxx

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  154. I write this with tears in my eyes. I really don't know what to say, there really are no words. It makes me so sad that your poor girl, and so many other autistic people, feel suicidal.
    I'm so so sorry for your loss xx

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  155. So sorry for you. what a terrible time this must be . I have a son who is 18 with Aspergers adhd conduct disorder and times can be very trying so understood fully your meaning there , life can sometimes be so very rewarding. when dealing with my people with needs I will always spare a thought for your family and remember your truly terrible loss

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  156. Jenny, sending you much love and gentle hugs. I'm so sorry xxx

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  157. Sending you and your family my love and thoughts. xxx

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  158. I had seen sunflowers on my timeline all week not realising why, and then I saw your post. I have written words and deleted them as nothing seems right, so I will just say I am sorry I am so so sorry for your loss. Sweet dreams Elspeth x

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  159. There really are no words Jenny. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss x

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  160. I'm so sorry. Thinking of you all at this sad time xxxx

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  161. so very sorry, thinking of you xxx

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  162. Truly heartbreaking. Thinking of you and your family xxx

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  163. I'm so sorry, nothing I say will help with the pain but I am thinking of you, your daughter and the rest of your family

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  164. Sorry for your loss, Jen.
    RIP Elspeth. Forever miss and remember.

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  165. Heartbroken for you, so, so very sorry. Thinking of your family a lot today x

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  166. I am so sorry for your loss. RIP Elspeth. Thinking of you and your family x

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  167. Elspeth sounds like such a kind and thoughtful girl, who will never be forgotten. I am so sorry for your loss Jenny. xxx

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  168. My heart is breaking for you, Jenny. I am so sorry for your loss xx

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  169. My heart hurts for you all Jenny! I am so sorry, rest in peace Elspeth xx

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  170. I'm so sorry for your loss x

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  171. I'm so sorry to read this, I'm so sorry for your loss xx

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  172. That's so sad. I'm very sorry. Sending you some strength to get you through the day x

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  173. Oh Jenny, I am so very heartbroken for you - you have supported me ever since I first started down the blogging route, and have commented on my posts on with me on G+, but now when I most wish I could find the right thing to say - I know I can't. I can only apologise for only finding out about this so late due to my time offline. My heart is heavy for you now and always, for the space the losing your beautiful baby will leave. Strength to you and you family xx

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  174. A beautiful, heart-breaking post, written to a truly beautiful girl. Sending love and strength, and thinking of you. The sunflowers are everywhere, your daughter will never be forgotten. I'm so sorry for your loss x

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  175. I don't know what to say except that I am so so sorry this has happened to your daughter, and your family.
    I am in tears for you, I cannot imagine what you are going through.
    I sent you an email and got back your automated response and I was just so shocked to read it. There is nothing I can do or say to make this better so I send you lots of love and healing and I also want to say your daughter is beautiful! I am sure she will be shining down on you always and free from any pain she had here on this earth xxxxx

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  176. Jenny you are all in my thoughts. As a fellow parent of an Autistic child there is so much I can relate to in your post and Elspeths story hit me hard. I cannot even begin to imagine. Your hearts must be in pieces. The sunflowers are just incredible. As someone else said I will never look at a sunflower now without thinking of your beautiful girl. I am in France on my holiday and yesterday we were in Paris. There was a random cluster of sunflowers. I had to take pics. I feel such sorrow for you Jenny. Sending over as much strength and love as you need. Your words here are beautiful. Sleep Tight Elspeth xxxxx

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  177. Tedi Williams-Posladek31 August 2014 at 15:01

    Jenny, my heart goes out to you and your family. May you find peace in special memories of Elspeth.

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  178. My heart breaks for you, there are no words. All I can do is send you my love, in hope that somehow it will reach you through the darkness. xx

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  179. I am so sorry for your loss xx

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  180. Jenny, I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said or felt by the rest of the community. Your loss is heartbreaking. This is such a brave post, especially as you're thinking about how best to help others going through similar difficulties to those you faced.

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  181. I read this a few days ago and didn't really know what to say other than what has already been said.
    Today I saw this appear on my timeline and I thought of you and your family.
    "A person that loses a partner is called a widow.
    A child who loses their parents is called an orphan.
    But there is no word to describe a parent who loses a child,
    because the loss is like no other. "

    Hoping you stay strong. Regards Su.

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  182. Oh Jenny words cannot say how sorry I am for your loss. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers xx

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  183. How utterly heart breaking and how eloquent at such a time. As mothers we hold our child's hand for a life time And for you, there are sunflowers every where. Xx

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  184. Sorry for your loss. Heartbreaking to hear. Thoughts are with you x

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  185. Oh Jenny I am so sorry. I am sitting here, a complete wreck after reading this post. I have seen lots of people offering condolences on Facebook but didn't want to pry - now I understand and I, I just don't have the words. It must be so much worse for you.
    These printed sorrys on screen don't feel like they are enough, nothing can replace what you've lost, but I hope you know that there are lots of people out there thinking of you. Every single one of them is sending virtual hugs. My thoughts are with you Jenny. xx

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  186. I am so sorry to read this. I don't know what to put here, but wanted to write something… This is so horrifically heartbreaking, I just can't imagine what you and your family are going through. My thoughts go out to you xxx

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  187. Words cannot express my sympathies enough x

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  188. There are no words, Jenny. I am so sorry for your loss. I have stared at this post in utter disbelief. My thoughts are with you all xx

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  189. Oh my I can begin to understand the sadness that you and your family must be going through right now. I can only send love and strength x

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  190. elspeth truly was great. my favourite memory of school is definitely walking home with her everyday, almost always taking a tuesday trip to tesco express to purchase custard creams before sitting outside for hours just talking about all sorts. i have never had the pleasure of meeting someone as witty and amusing, with such strong opinions, she was so sure of what she believed in. the funeral was so lovely and such a wonderful send off for her. love and miss her always xx

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  191. So very sorry. Words seem so insignificant at this time. So very sorry x Thinking of you all.

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  192. I am so sorry to read this. Sending all my love xxx

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