Saturday 15 August 2015

1 Year, 12 Months, 365 Days

A year ago today I woke up to find one of our children was dead. This morning when I woke up, Elspeth was still dead.

She's still dead every morning, so you'd think I'd be used to it by now, but I don't think you can ever get used to it.

My second thought each morning is 'are the other children alive?' and I have to go and check. I dread having to actually go into someone's bedroom to see if they're alive. I hope that if I haven't heard them already, they'll be snoring so loudly that I can hear them through the door, or they'll answer audibly when I shout. I check on the little boys in the night whenever I wake, and I'm pleased if I've seen them in the early hours because I know there's less chance anything happened.

Losing a family member to suicide robs you of so much more than that child. It takes your sleep, your daydreams, your confidence, your trust in things you knew to be true. It takes your understanding of what is normal and moves it to another level. A parent crying is normal, a child screaming because someone has left him alone in the bathroom is normal, counselling is normal, feeling a failure is normal, and having no confidence in anything is normal.


And then I go about my day, and at mealtimes I have to include 'not Elspeth ' in my head count so that it totals 9, or I get confused and can't work out how many of us there are. And my heart breaks when one of our teenagers posts this on Facebook - because I can't make it better...(permission was granted to share).


And I see things and think 'Elspeth would like that', and I save them to a folder on my laptop that I'll never be able to show her. And I look at young people walking by in the street, and I'm so happy for them that they have the strength to go through what is frankly a pretty crap time, and I hope that they do well and have beautiful children. And I'm reminded of the words of a friend, who stopped working as an A&E Nurse because she had witnessed too much 'wasted hope'.

It is exactly one year since Elspeth died, and that is a very hard milestone to pass. To know that you've been without a member of your family for a whole year, your children are all now a year older but so much less innocent than they have a right to be, and to remember so clearly a single day that it blurs all the memories around it. Grief really is relentless, and loss really is forever.

I am so proud of family, they are all doing so very well, and we (all except our eldest) had a lovely holiday to the Isle Of Wight which I'll bore you with later. We spent a lot of time talking as a family, and my fondest memories will be of us all sitting round a campfire teaching each other card games and eating 3 tons of Doritos. It was very precious.
Last time we went to the Isle Of Wight was 8 years ago and our best holiday ever. We stayed in a different part of the same farm's woodland, and our 5 young children ran wild for 10 days. We cooked on fires and dried our clothes on bushes, and built a bivi that would make any scout proud. Everywhere you look, there are fond memories.

I didn't realise just how hard exam time would be. Like prom it stings. Last year Elspeth didn't wait to see how well she did in her GCSE's, and Jake understandably wasn't in the mood for any celebration of the results of his hard work. He has also done excellently this year - in his AS and year 1 Engineering exams, with two A*''s, a B and a D. We are so proud, but there is an obvious sadness that we aren't also celebrating the end of Elspeth's first year at College.

Best of luck to everyone getting GCSE results next week - including our 16 year old.  I hope any young people reading got the right results for them, and it takes them where they want to go. And if it doesn't seem to, then do not feel a failure, you just weren't looking at the right path. Many of humankind's greatest achievements came about because someone found themselves somewhere they didn't expect they'd be.

Here are the smiles we've collected this month. We've worked hard to make sure there were plenty, including our youngest accidentally discovering a new 'swear', an hilarious hour in the garden trying to photograph Lamaloli clothes, and some from our holiday....




 

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. Courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it. Mark Twain

21 comments:

  1. You've done Elspeth proud this year xx

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  2. Sending you all love. I remember reading your post last year, it doesn't feel like it was that long ago. I can't imagine what you've all been going through but I just wanted to leave a little message of love & support. Your photos are lovely xxx

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  3. Beautiful post Jenny, thinking of you all x

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  4. A beautiful post Jenny, and we are all thinking of you on this really tough day. Well done to your son on his results xx

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  5. I'm glad that you have had the chance to smile and be together as a family in a month that you must have approached with heavy hearts. There are so many beautiful smiles this month. You're in my thoughts and heart as always xxx

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  6. What a precious family you have - With love and prayers to you all and especially for Elspeth x

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  7. Those little ginger heads - I love them so much. Their smiles, their resilience. They're awesome.
    Your whole family is awesome and I'm in awe of the way you've all stuck together and kept on keeping on.
    So much love for you all x

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  8. My heart goes out to you and I admire your courage.

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  9. This is beautifully written Jenny. You know I've been thinking of you all today and although you won't believe me for a second, you and Euan have done an amazing job of guiding the rest of the family through the last twelve months xxx

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  10. I read this when I was already an emotional wreck but through my own issues - that pale in significance when I started to read this. I don't have any words. Nothing can ever make this better but as always I am thinking of you and sending you love - there will never be enough love x

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  11. Thinking of you all on such a difficult day. Such a moving post. xx

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  12. keep collecting those smiles and holding your memories close in your heart. The pain you feel is just to let you know you haven't forgotten. You and your family are amazing xxx

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  13. You are an amazingly brave lady, this must hAve been incredibly hard to write, as has each monthly reminder in the past year. Sending you and yours so much love. You have collected some beautiful smiles this month and i'm so glad that you had such a lovely holiday xxx

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  14. Burying your own child goes against the laws of nature. How you managed to keep it together for the rest of your family.....I look up to you immensely. And also managing to articulate your thoughts and feelings. You are an amazing lady and a fantastic family, don't forget that.

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  15. Sending you lots of love at this difficult time!

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  16. I haven't been able to comment until now, I hoped I would come up with something to say, something that would help ease your pain. Alas, I couldn't. I send you all, all my love and you are such an amazing family. Those smiles are just the best. Well done to your son. Big hugs and love x

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  17. I'm so glad you got to bring back some more happy memories from your holiday on the Isle of Wight. You do so very well to get through the days and those smiles show you are no failure my lovely xxx

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  18. I wish there was something I could say to make it all better. I am always thinking of you and your beautiful family. Sending love and hugs at this incredibly difficult anniversary xxxxx

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  19. Such a beautiful post. Hugs to you and your family.

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  20. Even now I am at a loss for words. Having spent time with you all over the last year I am so proud of how far you have all come. Your strength is astounding. Love you all very much xxxx

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