Thursday, 15 January 2015

5 months...

It has now been 5 months since Elspeth died, and although we've had Christmas and New Year, a birthday, return to school and everything else, it seems as if I wrote my 4 months post only last week. It seems she's been gone less time even than it did then, it feels more as if she could still be here, alive, in her room playing her guitar or hammering on her keyboard.

Christmas was, in the basic sense of the word, hard. It went well, we did it, the children all had a good time and Santa delivered, but it was exhausting. Mentally, emotionally, physically, and any other possible way, exhausting. We're wiped out now, yet life has to carry on, work has to be done, the washing still has to be cleaned and meals need to be bought and cooked.


I remember first seeing this picture a couple of years ago and as I've lived through the last 18 months it has come into my head so many times. That is me. We're making ourselves eat regularly because we need to stay on the ball, but I'm just not hungry very often, so preparing meals is really tedious. Food doesn't excite me at the moment. We still have a big box of sweet and savoury snacks we bought for Christmas (even the teenagers haven't been really eating much).

The lady in the picture is me, every afternoon when I think of teatime. I don't want to do it, the effort seems so much, but I do. I feed everyone, I eat something, my partner eats something, it's a success. Maybe that's the point, and that picture is not as negative as all that. If you think about it, she's looking pretty organised. She's dressed, there was space on the chair for her to sit down and there aren't any children arguing. Maybe she's doing okay.

I don't have any words of wisdom or advice to other people in my situation, I wish I did, but I know Christmas and the day to day is only working through sheer luck and determination. And I know that we have to have a focus to get us through the next few months, and Christmas is just too far away - although we have already planned a fairly spectacular Christmas LEGO Village for next December - but we can't and shouldn't wish time away like that. The little boys are too little, they change so quickly, the teenagers are all doing exams and this is an important year all round. We need to see our children grow up, and savour every moment.

I'll leave you with some smiles I collected over the last month...and our newly 21 year old's broken wrist, which he acquired on Dec 29th by slipping on ice on the way home from work...


 And a comedy fall from our youngest showman during a family photo....


We miss her....


17 comments:

  1. Oh Jen, you were in my thoughts so much over Christmas and I know it must have been so hard for you all. I'm glad you had smiles and that you did it. Wish I had more to say than simply sending my love, as always xxx

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  2. Bugs hugs from me x treasure the smiles you manage and the smiles you see x

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    1. That should have read big hugs sorry x

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  3. Big hugs! You know I will always be there for you.

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  4. I don't know how you do it. But you do. And five months will soon be 6, it will be 7 and then it will be a year, and then two. It will get easier eventually but it will always be hard.
    When you posted about your son's Birthday I couldn't help but spot Elspeth in the photo of all the kids and think of her celebrating her eldest brother's birthday. I am sure she was missed on that day as she is missed on every other. Sending love x

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  5. Gosh, it's hard to believe it's been that long. You were brilliant at Christmas - just look at those smiley little faces. The family photo will never be complete again, I know, but I do love these at the bottom. I love how D doesn't move at all but just waits patiently for you to finish taking the photo :)

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  6. Now that is a comedy fall! I have no idea if being in our thoughts makes any difference to you and your family, but I pray that you can all get through this time. Massive hugs to you all.

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    1. It does Lizz, it really does, thank you xx

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  7. Oh Jen so sorry, I didn't know. I lost my little girl almost 4 years ago (probably totally different circumstances) so I have an idea of what your feeling. Sending hugs your way xx

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    1. I'm certain it will be in different circumstances, and I'm very sorry for you that you have lost your little girl. Hugs back at you too xx

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  8. I can't imagine how you managed to get through the festive period. You are so strong. The fact that you made xmas happen for your family and that they're all fed, dressed and cared for each day, is amazing, when every day must be so hard. I thought of you and Elspeth a lot over xmas. I wish there was more I could do. Much love xxxx

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  9. The last month has gone so quickly! I had to check the date at the start of this post because I was sure it was only last week that I read your last update. I have been thinking of you so much over the Christmas period. I often relate to that ecard too, but you are a success as you get it done you eat and you feed them all each that and at the moment that's what matters x

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  10. I have thought about you so much over Christmas and the New Year. Whatever time lapses I am sure it will feel so long and not long enough.
    I am glad that you found some smiles over the past month and hope you find more, thinking of you always!

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  11. I love how you have managed to turn that picture into a positive. It sounds as if you are doing amazingly well, though I know we don't have the whole story and you probably don't feel like that at all. I don't know how you're doing it at all, but I guess you are for the other children, and I just hope you remember that you need support too. Hugs xx

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  12. You're doing amazingly well, I hope it gets easier to manage as time goes on. I don't know if that's the right thing to say, so I hope I haven't offended you, I just imagine you're on autopilot with a lot of the household stuff. The first 'events' after a loss are the hardest I think, so the first Christmas/birthday/anniversary etc., and you;ve done one of the big ones. Keep going Jenny, much love to you and yours xx

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  13. You have such a great outlook on life, even though you are going through such a difficult time. I did think of you over Christmas, it's nice to see that you had some smiles going on sometimes. Big hugs to all of you x

    PS. I totally get that eCard. We've been having far too much toast lately!

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  14. I can't imagine how difficult Christmas and New Year must have been but you have made it through the other side and you will keep on making it through for your other children if not for yourselves. Sending love as always xx

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