I want to get off...
You know those times. THOSE times. The times when you reach that point where you really are wondering if it's possible to go and hide under the duvet and it'll go away.
The times when the easiest thing would be to just lie down where you are and close your eyes, put your hands over your ears and enjoy the cold feel of the floor, and the muffled sound of people talking but you can't hear them and they know it, so you don't have to respond.
The times when you wonder if you have time to run to the car and drive away without anyone seeing you go. Just for a while. Until it's all over and then you can go back and someone else will have fixed everything.
The times when no-one else can say anything because whatever they say, you'll cry.
I have a had a few of those times over the past 9 months. This morning I really did have one of those times.
My partner is ill, he has Tonsilitis. He's still not fully right after having Meningitis, so he's become really quite ill. Really 104 degree temperature ill. And this morning when I discovered at 8.15am that he'd spent the night vomiting blood I had one of those moments. I really did just want to announce I was going out to buy bread and just walk and keep on walking. Just until it was fixed. Just until he was better.
Of course I didn't run away. I very calmly said that I didn't believe that 16 gallons of brown slush (approx) equated to 2 tablespoons of 'undigested soup' and that I was very sorry, but "I am going to take you to A&E. I know you hate the thought of it and the reminders, but you are vomiting blood, it's a medical emergency and we need to go to hospital".
The 5 year old safely in the care of the school Office Staff - who said nice things and made me cry - we set off with our 4 year old. For the second (and I really wish it will be the last) time we went straight through triage and into a cubicle.
4 hours later and everyone is pretty certain all the blood is from my partners throat and tonsils - which are shredded. We're all happy with this outcome. Our 4 year old has eaten his bodyweight in Mini Cheddars and drawn us 42 pictures of himself in various poses. My partner has anti-emetics and cramp medicine for his tummy, a normal temperature and has even managed a smile as we say goodbye.
As we walk to the car park I get a call from my 20 year old. "My rent is due at the beginning of the month and I don't have it, so I'll have to come back to live at home. I've got to be out on the last day of the month and I hadn't realised that's tomorrow. That's come quick hasn't it? So when can you come and get me and my stuff?".
THOSE sorts of times.....