Friday 3 February 2017

Children's Mental Health Week 6-12th February #childrensmhw

I have far too much understanding of children's mental health. I wish I didn't. I wish it was all something that happened to someone else. Instead, all of our children also have far too much understanding about children's mental health.

Children's Mental Health Week 6-12th February #childrensmhw

On August 15th 2014 my step-daughter Elspeth took her own life. I wrote about it, you can read my Dear Elspeth post here, but it will make you sad, so maybe don't read it if you are at work. I also wrote about how our children seemed to cope over the first 9 months, and what helped them.

It's now 2 1/2 years later, and Elspeth is still dead. Her siblings don't see her or speak to her every single day. Her step-sister doesn't have another teenage girl at home to talk about make up and clothes. Her step-brother has gone to university alone, just as he went to college alone, after spending 8 years as her classmate.

Her little brother won't belt out Les Miserables songs beautifully at full volume any more. He won't sing at all. He says it's rubbish. Neither of her little brothers will enter or stay in an empty room.

One of her siblings has spent a large part of the last 18 months ill in hospital.

When Elspeth died I made sure that all of the children had access to counselling. I wanted all of them to be given that option. I lost my own brother a couple of years previously, and I carried a lot of guilt and sadness from that. I knew how hard I found that. I couldn't bear for them to have to suffer. I needed them to be told it wasn't their fault, as often as possible.


The last two Summers have been especially hard for us. It signals August, an anniversary we don't want to have to remember, and it's the end of the exams. All of the teenagers focussed hard on school and college work, it was a welcome distraction, and it kept them busy, but it just deflected from the huge gaping hole they were edging carefully around.

With the exams over, our young people should have spent the last 2 Summers enjoying their freedom and sun with their mates, instead they've all been introspective and a bit lost.

To lose your sibling to their own hand was too much for one of the children. They couldn't cope, and they didn't talk about it. They talked about everything else, and poured themselves into their GCSE's. They did incredibly well, but even before the results were out, they were very ill.

Being a teenager today is incredibly hard. If you go back 50 years, you basically slotted into brains, beauty or brawn. You could use the natural skills you were born with to secure your place in the world. Modern society means that we are all expected to have a good level of all of these qualities before we can be told we succeeded.

It's no longer acceptable to scrape an academic pass and be brilliant at football. You can't only be the best at Maths, you have to look hot in a short skirt too. You are at least allowed to be a fabulous chef or hairdresser whether you are male or female, but you'd better be physically attractive. And having the kind of face that Instagram loves, well, that'll get you labelled as an airhead any day.

It's too much to cope with. It turns every aspect of our lives into a competition that no-one can ever truly win, with a lifestyle no-one can maintain. For young people, who are already struggling to find where they fit, that constant comparison, competition and failure can only be crippling. Add any other traumatic event, and how are they meant to carry on?

Among teenagers, rates of depression and anxiety have increased by 70% in the past 25 years.*

One in ten children aged between 5 and 16 years (three in every classroom) has a mental health problem, and many continue to have these problems into adulthood.*

Our young person is doing really well. They are looking ahead to the future, they have taken hold of the ladder and are climbing. They have found their hope and we're really proud of them. They are beginning to realise that no-one ever slots in perfectly, we're all person-shaped pegs in round holes. And that's okay.

Events including bullying, bereavement, domestic violence, family breakdown, neglect and trauma mean that an average of 3 children in each school class in the UK have mental health problems.

These are children. They deserve our sympathy, our empathy, and our compassion.


Place2be have organised Children's Mental Health week to encourage everyone — adults and children alike — to spread a little kindness. A little understanding can be all that's needed to make someone's day. A kind word or a hug can turn an awful week around. You can find out all sorts of ways you can be kind, whether you are a friend, classmate, teacher, parent or anyone else, on the Place2Be website.

I truly hope that adverse Children's Mental Health hasn't affected your life and that of your family, and that it never does. I hope that your children have the chance to be children, before they have to be an adult...and I hope beyond hope, that they get the chance to be an adult.


Elspeth
February 12th 1998 - August 15th 2014


I share the smiles I collect over the month every 15th, and I ask you to share yours too, using the hashtag #TBCSmiles - as the reason and the reminder why we carry on. Every smile means it is worth it.



*Source - Place2Be.

21 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. life is unkind and it makes children sad .My children has a diagnosis of an autistic disorder.they are high functioning which is good, but has the massive drawback of them knowing they are different and not wanting to be.Mix hormones with autism and its chaos,anger,sadness,anxiety ,rage and the list goes on . The royal college of psychiatry recognize this and have put guidelines in place ,fortunately they are only guidelines and not directives and with no funding they are not in place .This is so not ok .This almost cost me one of my kids and this is not ok ,but until we shout about it things will not change .write to the commissioners for mental health in your area, call them ,email them or ask to meet with them the more noise we make the more chance we have in making a difference. mental health in children treated differently than adults and not given the same respect lets hope as more the message is spread the better things will get

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    2. Thank you for your comment. I'm really sorry that your child has suffered so badly, but I am very glad they are still here.
      It is so hard for any child to feel they can fit in. If only we could make them understand that it really doesn't matter whether they do or not.
      We do need to keep speaking out - we do need to remind people that children need extra care.
      I hope that your daughter is in a better place now - and has the confidence to know that Autism is just a label put on a series of characteristics, it isn't by any measure all of who she is, and she IS unique, just like the rest of us x

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  2. Wonderful post Jenny and so important to share this message every day, let alone this week. Thank you for posting. We all need reminding and I know that this must be very hard for you. Thank you for continuing to be brave by sharing your very personal story. x x

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    1. We do need reminding. These young people go through so much, it's easy to forget over time that it's still there xx
      Thank you Suzanne, I wish you well also x

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  3. I wish you weren't able to write these things Jenny - but I'm so glad you do x

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  4. It terrifies me the pressures that our teens face these days. I thought being a teenager over 20 years ago was bad but social.media makes it almost intolerable these days. The three in a class figure is scary but, when I think about it I know, and can see the mental health issues several of my oldest's classmates face every day. Your words mean a lot and I remind us all to be kind and generous to these little people who are often going through far more than they ever should have to. Sending love as always xxx

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    1. Thanks Pippa. I think a bit more kindness and compassion is what the world needs right now x

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  5. I am not at all surprised by the 1 in 3 statistic - I see students with mental health problems in every single one of my classes. I also see the massive impact of social media and the pressure to look great all the time. My school has a counsellor who really supports The students and she makes a massive difference. It's important that we carry on talking about mental health, particularly for our teenagers, as this is something that is threatened in government cuts. that's why I think this post Is so
    Important. Thank you so much for your honesty X

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    1. Thank you for your comment - it means a lot. The threatened cuts really are very worrying, I know a lot of schools have already had to cut their own in-house counselling, so cuts to outside resources will have a huge impact.

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  6. Oh Jenny. It makes me sad that all your young people - and you - have experienced so much. But, I am glad that you still find the smiles in life. I hope this post - and the other posts you write - help at least one person. I am sure they will x

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    1. Thank you for your kind words Donna - you are lovely. I think if at least one person is kind enough to make someone else's day, then it's been worth it :)

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  7. It's been so tough for you all but I'm so glad you can still find the smiles. Place2Be is amazing, my daughter uses them regularly. Sadly they were not around for my older daughter, she spent so many years in counselling but nothing has ever helped. She's not a child anymore but I often think that if I could have done more for her, or found more help for her as a child then she wouldn't suffer so much as an adult. Thanks for raising this awareness. I will continue to look forward to your smiles xxx

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    1. Thank you for your kind comments Anne. I'm sorry your daughter suffered, but I'm glad your younger daughter has the support available when she needs it. Things really have changed, we know that early intervention really is key, but it's so hard to find, and so cash strapped it has no chancw of helping everyone. Best wishes to you and your family xx

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  8. Children are put under more and more pressures everyday. With few resources for them to reach out to in times of crisis I worry for the future.

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    1. I agree - something has to crack that isn't the children, because it's they who can't bear the pressure right now x

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