Monday, 15 December 2014

4 Months....

Today it's 4 months since we lost Elspeth. Last week I actually listed her name when we were talking about which children would be here on a certain day. We delicately put things in her room for storage and hope she won't mind. We try and choose Christmas presents and give up because we can only see things Elspeth would like.

Her inquest was due tomorrow, but has been deferred, so we have at least 2 more months before the Coroner will officially rule her death a suicide. 4 months is a long time, but it isn't nearly long enough, forever won't be long enough. She's here in our thoughts every hour of every day.

We're lucky, we have the 2 little boys who are at the peak of their Christmas magic. At 4 and 6 they both know Santa is real and are already bursting with excitement. Every fairy light and sparkle is viewed with wide eyes and giant grins. Although it's hard to join in with the excitement, and I just haven't felt that Christmas spark yet this year, I look at them and I know we have to do it, we have to make it great. I smile at their little perfect faces, and I know that 2 weeks at home watching movies on TV with their family and some Pringles and a tin of Cadbury Heroes would make it good enough, so I know we will be okay.


I've done Christmas shopping today, I've ordered presents I should have been ordering for the last month (thank the Gods for Amazon Prime). I've booked my big food shopping trip, and started to think about what we need to buy. We're a bit late, but we're winning.

I hope Elspeth's friends are okay. Elspeth loved Christmas and let everyone know it, she stored pine needles from each year in a small metal tin and made a list of Christmas films that she started watching in September to fit them all in. Her friends will be about to have their first Christmas as College students, and I remember mine very well - it was awesome. I hope that they'll celebrate as she should be doing. Singing in the street and grinning at every Santa, delighting in the smells of the trees and the hot chocolate and the scented candles. I hope that they'll miss her, but not so much that it makes them miss out on what they need to be doing. They need to make it great, and have a lovely Christmas drinking in every sight and sound and every smile. Life is for living.

We have to take what we have and what we can manage, and do our best with it. We all have to make it great, and today we were winning, and tomorrow we'll go and get a Christmas tree, and it'll be awesome and it'll smell just as great. Because if we don't carry on, we give up and we waste everything that we have, and everything that we can ever have. And that was never what she intended.

Elspeth Christmas morning 2013


34 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thank you Eileen, you're always there for me xx

      Delete
  2. Oh Jenny, has it really been four months? I can't begin to imagine how hard it is for all of you. I'm really glad you have the boys to keep you going and force you in to carrying on as I'm sure some days you don't want to. It's so typically kind and selfless of you to be thinking of Elspeth's friends. I know that what we say cannot help as much as having your family together and watching those movies, but I want you to know that I'm here if you need me as are so many of your friends. To chat, moan, shout or cry. Anything that you don't want to be doing in front of the children xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Jen, you're a star, you really are xx

      Delete
  3. Hiya Jenny!! Hope you're all well. We've been talking a lot about Elspeth recently. She's so missed- now and always. One of the fondest memories we have of Elspeth is when we went to the Christmas markets last year- we all had such a lovely day. That and memories like it are ones that I'll cherish in my heart forever. She really did adore this time of year and nothing is quite the same without her. I'll never forget how she used to start singing Christmas songs about mid October time! Haha! Her Christmas spirit is very much still alive within us. We are really excited for Christmas- a lot of us have jobs now and we're all enjoying college. We're really looking forward to the Christmas break! Hope you're all well and have a lovely Christmas. Always in my thoughts,
    Megan Xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your comment Megan, it's lovely to hear that you're all excited and college is going well! That's so brilliant to hear. Have a lovely Christmas all of you xxx

      Delete
  4. I have true faith that you will all find the strength to get through the best and worst day of the year for you all xxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Angela, we will, we will have a good Christmas day xxx

      Delete
  5. Sending you prayers and love Jenny xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Emma, have a lovely Christmas xx

      Delete
  6. You are so gracious through it all, Jenny, so very gracious! I know your heart is a mess, just like mine and it hurts like hell to keep yourself together for the sake of the little ones but what options do we have? I hope Elspeth is enjoying Christmas where she is and I hope she can feel all the love and longing there is in your heart for her.
    Here is to a peaceful Christmas for us all, big hugs.xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oana, I hope you manage to have a good Christmas, I think about you a lot and it will be terribly hard for you. Definitely! Here is to a peaceful Christmas for us all xxx and a big hug back xx

      Delete
  7. A lovely post dear, I'm so sorry for your pain, I can't imagine. I'm happy you have the two little ones to bring you smiles.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Such a beautiful young woman and such lovely memories of Christmas with her.
    Thinking of you all at this difficult time xxx

    ReplyDelete
  9. It's the holidays that make you miss loved ones more, even when you think it's not possible to miss them any more than you do already. I find it helps to have a little ritual, maybe light a candle and think of her, wish her a merry Christmas even though she's not with you. Having the little ones all excited help you stop wallowing in the pain, smile for them, be happy for them, I'm sure Elspeth would want that. Four months is not a long time, it's a very short time, it's ok to hurt. Waiting for the inquest is awful too. Everyone is on your side, everyone is here thinking of you and hoping that somewhere in your heart you can find a little peace. Sending you prayers and hugs, I will think of you and your family when I'm lighting my candles on Christmas Eve xxx

    ReplyDelete
  10. as Megan said, I think everyone is very much looking forward to the break as we are knackered from working and college and mocks on the horizon already! missing Elspeth very much, a tuesday afternoon is never quite the same without a visit to tesco express for emergency custard creams, however I finally got round to actually watching les mis like she nagged me too! wishing you a lovely Christmas, and sending my love, Alex xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for commenting Alex, it means so much to us. I'm glad College is going well, sorry you're knackered but hopefully that's because you're giving it everything and you'll get wherever you want to go! Les Mis is all right - it took me about 3 times watching it to get into it, but by the hundredth I thoght it was great :D
      Have a lovely Christmas. Love and peace from all of us here xxx

      Delete
  11. Oh Jenny, another beautiful post, and so lovely to see the comment from one of her friends. I know how much Elspeth loved Christmas and I have the fondest memories of her playing with the children at your party last year and of how excited she was that it was Christmas. I know it will make it so hard to celebrate without her but I hope you can all smile and enjoy being together. Sending all my love, as always xxx

    ReplyDelete
  12. I have tried so many times to respond here. My/ our thoughts are with you and your family particularly at this time. Your beautiful daughter will live on in the memories of those who knew her.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh hunny how is it 4 months already?
    Sending so much strength to get you through, your right you have to for the boys but it doesn't make it any easier x
    Thinking of you all

    ReplyDelete
  14. Those boys really will be your saving grace these next couple of weeks. Keep on keeping on Jenny. You're incredible x

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thanks goodness for your little ones. They will keep you going. Here's to your Christmas hat wear it often and try not to take it off until afterwards. In a way I am glad the inquest has been delayed, you didn't need that so close to Christmas. Thinking of you always x

    ReplyDelete
  16. Bless you dear Jenny. Christmas is an awful time when you're grieving. Thinking of you all. x

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh crying at work again.

    4 months is no time at all.

    I hope you can have a lovely Christmas with your family and think of the happy memories. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  18. You have written so well, and you sound so strong and positive, and yet I'm sure you must feel like crumbling inside. 4 months is no time at all and of course I can't say I wish I could feel the pain for you, but I do wish that you didn't have to feel the pain. I hope the time at home watching movies involves lots of cuddles and that you have much support there xx

    ReplyDelete
  19. I know that the first Christmas without a loved is bloody hard, every light and every card just reminds us of how much we are missing.
    I know you and I know that you both will give the Boys the best you can, and that will be enough for them.
    love ya
    xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  20. Big big hugs Jen xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  21. Tobys proud mummy17 December 2014 at 07:17

    Sending love and light big hugs xxx

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hi Jenny! I don't know how this works but I'm Israh and I am a friend of Elspeth. This account of your preparation for Christmas was so lovely to read, despite how late and frantic it may seem. Christmas is messy for even the most arranged of people, and without Elspeth, the real light of Christmas (sorry Jesus), I can't begin to imagine how difficult this time must be for you all. Elspeth's love for Christmas was so spirited and is so missed. As Megan mentioned, one of my fondest (Christmas) memories was going to the Christmas Markets last year and dancing with strangers in the street to middle aged men covering Now That's What I Call: A Christmas Flashmob! It was so silly and perfect and only a fragment, out of the billows you must have encountered, of the joy that Elspeth brought at Christmas time. I hope you can all find comfort in all of the charming Christmas memories you have of Elspeth, and that any emptiness you may feel is filled by Elspeth's enchanting Christmas spirit. Sending you my thoughts, love, and wishes for an awesome Christmas!! xxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Israh you really do write so eloquently, your words at Elspeth's service were so mature and it's a joy to read this, thank you so much for commenting. I'm really pleased you all have the Christmas markets memory to carry with you, it's a lovely thing to remember her by. She really could be so infectious at times with her enthusiasm for singing, she had a soundtrack in her head all the time. You paint such a clear picture, and it's one we can both imagine with a smile. I hope College is going well for you, I don't know what you're studying, but hopefully you'll end up making great use of your writing talent. Have a lovely Christmas and a peaceful 2015 xxx

      Delete
  23. I can't begin to imagine how difficult Christmas will be for you all but I hope you can find some joy in your lovely boys excitement xx

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. I read every one and try my best to reply!