Wednesday 15 October 2014

Two months...

Today it's 2 months since Elspeth died. Two ridiculously long months that have vanished and I don't know where they went. Minutes take forever, but weeks fly past.

We're beginning to get routine into our lives. Washing gets done, people go to bed on time, meals get cooked and served. Life carries on.

We had a massive blow this week with the sudden and unexpected death of a little girl from my children's school. After 5 nights sleeping well my little boys are now unsettled again, and my 6 year old is troubled, short-tempered and crying a lot. Knowing just how those parents felt when they discovered their child had not survived the night has been very hard on us, and as yet we have shielded our little boys from that fact because nights are hard enough for them already. I have cried so much for her family  and their loss, and felt far too hard the pain and confusion they will have experienced as they wonder 'what on Earth do you do now?' Whether the cause of her death is ever found or not, it will be little comfort.

When I wrote my Dear Elspeth post I wanted to tell her story. I didn't want people to gossip and guess, I wanted them to know it was as much a shock to us as to anyone else.  I wanted to explain that she hadn't spent the previous 6 months in her room sobbing and being an angst-ridden teen. I felt that, scary as it is, other people needed to see that this could happen out of the blue, and I needed to let them know she did it because she loved us and felt it would make life easier for us. She wasn't 'just another teenage suicide', no-one who takes their own life is 'just another' anything. They're human beings, and they have other human beings who love and care for them. I felt that if it helped just one other person then it was was worth making it public.

Since that day I have had many hundreds of messages. I have heard from many, many people who lost their siblings, parents and friends when they were young, and when they weren't. I have heard the story of the mother who battled to prevent her son taking his life for 15 years and eventually failed. I have spoken to friends who have never told people of their own loss, and I have spoken to the parents of 3 young women who are now in the care of their Doctor since reading my post.

I have had support from the unlikeliest of places and I have been able to support others who need it. One of the most important to me is a woman who contacted me at the end of her own limits, who read my post and realised what it would do to her family, and has instead found strength and has started to turn her life around and remove herself from a harmful situation.

So many people with so many heartbreaking stories. 

None of this brings Elspeth back, none of it can ever tell her everything I wish I could tell her, but it shrouds the futility and leaves me in no doubt. You are never on your own.

Thank you to everyone who has contacted me, and anyone who found strength to speak after reading. Thank you to everyone who shared the post and let it reach so many. You made it worth writing x

'Elspeth's Field' by Laura Holloway. A beautiful gift from friends x


27 comments:

  1. I want to cry reading this post, but you have helped others which is invaluable. Hugs

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  2. It is so touching to read how Elspeth has touched the lives of so many people who she never met.
    xxxxxxxxx

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  3. I'm glad you have found support from others and how wonderful that you yourself have managed to help others through writing your post. I'm quite certain Elspeth will be looking down on you feeling proud. ((hugs)) xx

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  4. It's been so hard and you guys are such strong, wonderful people to have written that post and care about/think about other people at a time like this. Xx

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  5. Sending much love to you guys as always xx

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  6. Thank you xx this helps me so much when I think of my friend who took his life x

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  7. You guys have had such a run of it lately, and for this poor little girl too....words cannot possibly describe the heartache for all involved. Beautifully written post and its so inspiring to hear that your helping others. xx

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  8. Always in our thoughts and prayers guys.

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  9. Hi I'm Megan, one of Elspeths friends from school. I just wanted to let you know that we still talk about her really often and she never leaves our thoughts. There is a huge, gaping hole in our friendship group that can never be filled. We always talk about you all as well, we really hope you're all doing well. Your blog posts have been really comforting to read over these past two months. Thank you:)
    Megan xx

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    1. Megan I can't begin to tell you how much that means to both myself and Elspeth's Dad. Thank you so much for commenting, truly. I hope that College is going really well for you, and all of her friends xxx

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  10. ^^^ What a lovely comment!

    Still thinking of you all Jenny. That is a beautiful picture.

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  11. Thinking of you all always xxx

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  12. Thinking of you all and sending love xxx

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  13. Xxx thinking of you all the time xx and what a comfort of sorts to know you've helped

    Sending love and strength

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  14. As you say, it is must be so heartening to know how hearing about Elspeth has helped so many people.
    thoughts to you all, and hole the settled nights return soon

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  15. What a wonderful comment from Megan above, and so reassuring to know that her friends won't let her be forgotten.

    You know I've always thought you to be brave and dignified with regards to how you've discussed the loss of Elspeth; your boys are so lucky to have you as a mum to hold them tight and wipe their tears.

    The biggest hug in the world to you Jenny.

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  16. Jenny, you are an inspiration to many people and I really dont have words, but didn't want to read and run (so to speak)

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  17. Inspiring in so many ways Jenny. Thinking of you all. Jo x

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  18. And the family you mention in your post x

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  19. I'm full of admiration for you and your family Jenny, you've been so strong and inspiring. Much love xx

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  20. what a beautiful and inspiring post and a lovely comment from Megan.

    sorry to hear about the other child at your sons school.

    xx

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  21. Thinking of you all often. Much love. xxx

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  22. I just found your letter to Elspeth and this blog post and read them. I read them with silent tears running down my face. I cry for you and your family but also for mine. My grandson has Aspergers. He lives with us. He is 2 months shy of 18. He is a very sensitive young man who is very intense in all that he does and feels. This morning he left the house almost in tears because he feels he can only deal with another boy by avoiding him, even though it means not taking part in a drama club activity that he really really wanted to be a part of. Interactions are hard for him. I am so scared for him when he has completed high school. What next? He goes from very high on life to the depths of despair in an instant.
    I am sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you.

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  23. Your story has touched me, so very deep in my soul Jenny. I can't imagine what you have been through, what you still are going through, and it hurts to much to try.
    I find it so inspirational how strong you are, how brave.
    It sounds like Elspeth's story is reaching out to those who really, really need it. I am so sorry for your loss. x

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  24. You are in my thoughts daily and I wish more than anything I could help with the pain. You are a true inspiration and such a strong person, even if you don't feel it you are. All my love x

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